The Appreciation For The Kill…

If there is one thing in life that keeps me moving foward one step at a time, it’s the success of things that I do. The things I put effort into to accomplish no matter what conditions they are. Every success, every moment of victory pushes me to want more of it, pushes me to believe that at least at the end of this very dark tunnel, a person like me can dream and turn it into a reality.

Then why do I feel so uneasy?

Maybe it’s because of that realisation that no matter how much wins you have, no matter how much kills you have on the scoreboard, how much things you have accomplished in your life. There is a certain sense of self satisfaction that can only come when you’re with other people.

I don’t understand why when people have the very thing I desire the most – other people’s attention – they want to shy away from it, run away from it. Why would you want to do that? Don’t you realise that if ANYTHING, the purpose and meaning in your life to the world around you is given by other people. Without the people that surround you…no one can be any better than who they already are.

For better or worse we are made with the people we surround ourselves with.

Sure…I may be better than a whole lot of people as who I am. I may be this refined, charming flirt who knows a thing or two about a lot of things and would willingly stick his neck out for the people he cares for. But when you think about it, it’s hard to be that kind of person when you don’t have anyone to share who you are with. It’s impossible to be known as that person when you have no one to be that to.

No matter what…in the eyes of many people, it’s always the worse parts of me that shows. The only way I can show people who I am is alone with them. Not exactly what I’m looking for, but it’s all I have got. How can a person said to be an angel in the eyes of individuals become a hated hellspawn in the eyes of the masses?

It doesn’t really make a lot of sense.

At least to me.

Maybe I’m jealous of other people. I mean…you would be too when day after day you are forced to sit through to how other people can just walk into a room and have everyone like them…and you walk into a room and have stupid people argue to you about the smallest most insignificant like they know better. I just really really don’t want to be the person that has to keep fighting all the time.

I’m just too old for this.

In any case, I just want it all to be over one day. I just want to stand up high on top of the world, flex my wings and raise my head up and have people there to share my successes with. I don’t want to be alone when I win.

I never want to be alone.


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