When Tam said that I had a small mention on ScrivsTyme’s podcast (somewhere around 28:36 of 54:25), it piqued my interest somewhat. After all, I don’t get mentioned in many things much less something as popular as ScrivsTyme. So the first thing I had to ask was, “What did I do wrong now?” When Tam also mentioned something about Tyme wanting to clone me because of what I’ve been saying on the notes, I have yet to stop blushing from it.
Don’t get me wrong, I like compliments like that as much as the next guy. It’s just that I don’t usually get them on such a regular basis because I was raised to believe that I never warranted such compliments. Yet, in the space of a few weeks, I have had people showering me with compliments and that’s something I feel very unprepared to take in.
You see, I tend to pour my heart into the things that I do. It isn’t just because I want to be acknowledged as someone that does a good job. It’s the fact that I want to be acknowledged, period. If ever I would state my shortcomings, it would be one where I crave for people’s attention, something I failed to get as a child. So over the years, I’ve worked at it to satisfy my yearning to be better than what I am and to make an impact on people’s lives…and usually I fail to get the latter.
After a while I have come to this point where I don’t really expect it any more. I’ve gotten more criticisms and insults over the years than I have compliments. I usually am ignored and overlooked for reasons that even I don’t understand. When you lived a life like that for a while, it becomes your norm. You might not like it, but you live with it, as I have been doing.
So when people turn around and tell me good things about…well…me. I’m just not prepared for it. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I’d just sit there with my face looking like a beetroot trying to muster the words to thank the person.
Then there is the ego to deal with. I’ve worked hard over the years to keep it in check because no one likes a hot air balloon for a friend. Being red in the face after a compliment isn’t just because I’m embarrassed. Some things should remain out of sight for the better good of everyone. Compliments don’t make it easy to keep that over-abundant pride out of reach from everyone else.
Still, I got to hand it that I have been learning to deal with all of this more often these days. If it’s something I genuinely did, then probably it’s something I genuinely deserve. Feel horrible if ever we made a mistake, but always feel proud when you did something right. Compliments might not pay the bills or put food on the table, but they do make an otherwise uneventful moment a whole lot sweeter. Sometimes, that’s a good thing.
So to Tyme and to anyone else that got confused on what to call me on 9rules. Ed works fine. If you want to call me Kami like a whole bunch of people do. That’s fine too. At least if ever the day comes when I clone myself, we’ll have more than one name to go around so no one else would get confused.