I say this now, not because I am melancholic nor am I depressed. In fact, I say this is a certain clarity of thought which seems to occur when I have it in my power to block out whatever I’m supposed to feel, carrying burdens like this. Some of you already know the stakes, most of you however, want to know why my thoughts have taken a turn for the worse these past few weeks. It’s time now that you know what it’s all about.
In about a weeks time, I won’t have a steady paying job. In a weeks time, I won’t have the anchor in my life beside me. In a weeks time, I would be preparing for the most important exam of my life. All in a weeks time, I would be unemployed, without company of my girlfriend and trying to focus on the final exam of my degree. Yes, being stressed out, is a very big understatement to say the least.
It has taken me some time to come to grips with the reality of the situation. Without my job, whatever rent I have to pay for 4 months throughout summer would have to come from my savings, the very same one that I’ve been saving to pay for my post graduate degree and permanent residency application.
Losing Mel for an uncertain amount of time, at least through summer as well, means I really am going to go through this alone, both physically and emotionally. Both I’m not prepared to deal with so soon. Both I’m trying hard to accept with an unreasonable amount of failure.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, the final finals. The exam that if all goes well, marks the end of a undergraduate degree I’ve worked so long and hard to achieve. Really, there isn’t any pressure there. There is just everything else on my mind I’m trying to prioritize. I’m probably doing a lousy job at it to begin with.
In all this, it was the people I expected to count on the most that deserted me through these time. Something I’m all too familiar with. However, It is with some small consolidation that comfort came from an unexpected source. Someone who out of the blue just wanted to listen what I had to say without too much input on the matter. It may have snapped me out of my spiralling decline into darkness, but it’s still going to take a lot of work to keep my head above water and stay afloat.
As it is, things are too unclear, too uncertain to have any solid game plan. Where I go and what I do is without the solace of a direction and that greatly distresses me. I want to turn to someone at least to comfort and hold me through what lies ahead, but I’m beginning to get the clue that this large block of a mountain is meant for me alone to traverse. Yeah, a good lot of comfort that is.
I know I can’t pretend I don’t feel its burdens forever. I know I’m not that strong. But for what it’s worth, I know this is something I can’t run away from. This happens to be my war. Just me and what’s out there. Occasionally we get wounded. Sometimes we even get killed. But sometimes, we just might win that crucial battle that changes everything.
I’m counting on the latter, at least I’m saying this now. Give me a few more weeks and see what kind of soppy mess I’ll be whining about then.