The End of Ends?

No this is not a preview to War of the Worlds. This is something that I’ve been thinking off for a long while now…I just never bothered to tell people about it anyway.

I’m thinking of permanently stopping my blog.

No, it’s nothing scandalous like the SPG blog or anything of that sort. No, it’s not exactly me being bored with blogging or even that I don’t have enough time. In fact, I still love it for what it is and I don’t mind spending every day writing down whatever I have in my head to the world. Writing who I am down and what I see and share it with people.

Which ironically is the reason why I plan on stopping.

It took me a while to realise it, but it still doesn’t change that truth. The reason why I started blogging is the same reason why I do every social call I have ever done in my life. I just want so much to belong somewhere. To find my niche. To find people I can share my life with and be shared back. Not individual people that I have to divide my time with. A group of people. A family. That belonging.

Some people join the army. Some people join gangs. I just do what I know and do best and try to find that sense of belonging here when I blog. There is something about blogging communities that I just feel that sense of honesty in a person. I’ve always said before that how a person blogs is always who they are. From how they write to what they write. Every single detail reflects a person in more ways than any one of us realises. Maybe I thought that if I was who I am here, I would feel more welcomed here than I was in real life.

I guess after two years, it’s time to say I was wrong about it.

Sometimes I wonder what is the point of putting down my thoughts and feeling or even my thoughts on things that matter and feel like I’m talking to a wall. If I wanted to do just that, I could do that in the comforts of my own room away rather than constantly check my blog to see if anyone read my posts let alone commented on it.

It’s that icy silence that hurts so much.

It’s that icy silence I have wanted to escape so long.

People have often stated that it’s the fact that I write things in finality and that what’s the point of commenting on it so many times. I have seen other people blog about things in even more finality to the situation and have more replies on the matter whether they redundantly agree or not. It’s not a yes or no world I want. I want a conversation.

Is that too hard to ask for?

I guess it is.

Because when you have people say to you “I don’t know why I didn’t comment.“, you begin to realise that something is seriously wrong here. There is something wrong because what sense of community would I have when all I am to the the rest of people is someone no one takes seriously.

It hurts everyday to not know I’m still out of everyone’s radar as hard as I try to make a difference in every day…and maybe a lot of you won’t understand why I’m ranting about this so much. It’s hard to understand when you have the option to walk away from people when you want to because you have people around you.

When you never had that in your life.

It’s another story entirely.

So yeah…I’ve been seriously thinking about it. Even though I’m going to push myself to past hurting knowing this will continue, I’m still going to blog for a while longer. I still have the Blogathon 2005 to do. Then come to think of it, the Blogathon would be a spectacular finale to this long run. It would at least be a meaningful thing to do with my blog before I leave whether or not people care.

Somehow it feels like this won’t matter as well.

Somehow it feels like I’ll be talking to the wall again.

Then again such is the irony of my life.

And the price to pay for never being anything else but who I am.

20 thoughts on “The End of Ends?

  1. No, you don’t want to stop. You are still searching, and you will find someday.

    If you are not writing for yourself, or for others, then write for someone in the future. When you have children – imagine, how happy they will be to read your diary, your thoughts. I just found a diary that I wrote back in the 1980s, and dud, I am happy. I get my memories back, know exactly what happened then. And that is great. You can do this as well, when you continue to write.

    Keep it up!!

  2. how do i do weird emoticons in here ?

    ok imagine my eyebrows CLOSING up together… dem close.

    sigh…

  3. Andreas: Of course I don’t want to stop…but how long more do I have to keep searching before I find it? I don’t have enough emotional strength to keep going on without that hint of something good. What good is a future when the only person you can share the past achievements with is your own self? I literally hurts to endure this everyday. The price of which, I know not if there will ever be a reward.

    Life Feel: Forums I did a long time ago. In the end it always turns out bad as well. We make choices yes, but always based on the situation at hand given the knowledge at hand. Most options can only be given by the people that surround you. Which is the catch-22 in this case.

  4. Most people may not understand what you’ve been through and may never will. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t feel for you, much so in so many words. So at least give them the benefit of the doubt. You’ve touched more lives than you’ve ever realized.

    Everyone has hardships. Everyone has those good things. No one has just one or the other. If you are going through a tough time, remember that you aren’t alone and that you will reach your rainbow.

    “You have to go through the storm before you can reach the rainbow.”

  5. Sweetie: That silence is all that tells me. I am alone. Because what’s the point of going through the same thing, when you don’t open your mouth to make sure other people don’t suffer the same road in life?

  6. I don’t get it. Maybe I read this post all wrong, but are you thinking about quitting because you don’t get enough comments/readers? I thought you get plenty of readers! Most bloggers I know DO read you, you know….
    Correct me if my understanding of this post is wrong..

  7. H.Liew: Keep it there. It’s nice. πŸ˜›

    Sashi: No I don’t. Not in comparison to a lot of bloggers. Besides it’s just that a lot of the “intelligent” posts I write seem to be written to a wall where no one seems to comment on it. I just want to have an ongoing conversation and opinions regarding factual things that I experess. But it just seems that no one really gives a damn. Just lots of Google hits and 5 second views.

  8. I’m here for you. I know it doesn’t make a hell difference because I know you’re still alone there.

    Whatever it is…I’m here for you…

  9. You know I’ve bookmarked your blog and I read it almost daily. It’s a lot like soul food to me. I like how you’re really expressive about how you feel and your many insights on life and other things in general. Yeah I don’t comment much, but that doesn’t I am disinterested in the things you have to say. But it is your blog, and your decision. All I can say is, if one day I were to log on, looking forward to read another entry from you…and found none…I’d miss it. Greatly. In some odd indirect way…your words and thoughts are very much a part of my life.

  10. I haven’t been commenting because of the involuntary vacation I took from the internet =(

    However, I do understand what you mean about belonging, and ironically I was talking about this very same thing yesterday. It raises a question though: does anyone really belong? Or ar we expecting too much?

  11. Priya: Everyone belongs somewhere, some of us find it natural, some of us have to work hard for it. But as social creatures…we all have a sense of belonging somewhere. It’s just sad that some people take that for granted.

  12. you better not stop writing. i love reading this blog too much.

    i love u too much to ever let u stop writing. u hear me?

  13. To be honest, it’s the “you don’t know how I feel” when we try to empathize that stops us from thinking we can help.

    This blog has become your obsession, so please, take a break. Maybe a hiatus of 2 days. You owe it to your own willpower; if you can blog for 2 days straight, you can deprive yourself for 2 days straight. Okay maybe 1.

  14. Every teenager goes through things like this: it’s called attention-seeking..

    How about stop victimizing yourself and move on? Or are you just looking for that tap in the back? Is Pity enough for you?

    πŸ™‚

  15. I find it oddly comforting reading this End of Ends. You see I’ve only this week decided on a divorce. An end of ends right? Well let me tell you itÒ€ℒs a new beginning for me. Isn’t it even odder that I find myself reading your blog for the first time today, when you feel an end is coming?

    There is always a beginning and an end to all things. It is all in how we perceive where things start and end that define time for us. When you look at your blog, do not look at it with a feeling of finality even if you do end your writing. As you are reading this, you see a new friend. A new beginning even if another thing ends. Those that have found you and your friendship will not disappear the moment you quite writing. Some may fade in and out of your life, but they still found you. You came back again and again to find if your friends had seen something new, just as they have done. There is always that rare moment that someone might pop out of nowhere and say something new… like me.

    Considering an end is a sigh of growth and change. You may find that once you stopped you would drift back to it again just as your readers would. You may find that it is just as stressful waiting and wondering when someone would post a comment. Life is full of waiting and wondering, hoping and praying, hiding and fearing.

    But you can always create an outlet.

    This is your outlet. This is how you are able to cope with things that trouble you. For shame on others for putting down such a simple wish. For shame on others that deny they wish attention of their own. You know that you seek the attention, companionship and friendship that are perfectly normal human behavior. Even the most cynical people that reply to your writings desire some form of attention. O.o for that matter look at my insane post! o.O I wanted to get your attention, so I wrote: Plain, simple and honest.

    So do not be disheartened by harsh words or bad attitudes. Thrill seekers to pity seeker all desire the same thing. They put themselves in the same category by craving human companionship. Attention comes in all forms and remember… always remember… even if those bad comments pop up, all they wanted was just what your friends want to give you as well: attention.

    It comes down to remembering what makes you feel connected. Keep what helps you stay sane. Human’s have an undeniable urge to connect to something. Isn’t it phenomenal that we can connect across the world to people we would never encounter in life through something as inhuman as digital information. That’s real irony for you.

    ^.^
    Mei~

  16. Mei: All I can say is…that has the most sense anyone else has ever told me in my life. I’m sorry for your own end of ends. Then again…maybe its people like you that give me a reason to keep making new beginnings.

  17. once again i am forced to tell you i cannot emphatise. not completely, anyway. when i got to know you, i saw bits of myself in you…but only bits, because the extent of my hurt was nowhere the extent of yours. however, i do understand what you’re talking about in this entry, even if i can’t totally relate.

    and that’s what your blog is to people. sometimes the most thoughtful of your entries hits people in the right places, and leaves them speechless. or, as is the case with me most of the time, they type in a comment only to not submit it in the end because, unlike you, they are ashamed or scared or too intimidated to put into words exactly what is on their minds.

    remember how i went on about the fact that you need a break from being so selfless? after this entry, it doesn’t seem that the thing you need a break from is selflessness anymore.

    you need a break from expecting, almost demanding, from “everyone” the closeness & real conversation only a very very small “some” can give you.

    having hope that you’ll find that very very small “some” isn’t the same as expecting to find it everytime you come online and post an entry. there’s a thin line between hope and expectation, but it makes all the difference, once you identify it.

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