No this is not a preview to War of the Worlds. This is something that I’ve been thinking off for a long while now…I just never bothered to tell people about it anyway.
I’m thinking of permanently stopping my blog.
No, it’s nothing scandalous like the SPG blog or anything of that sort. No, it’s not exactly me being bored with blogging or even that I don’t have enough time. In fact, I still love it for what it is and I don’t mind spending every day writing down whatever I have in my head to the world. Writing who I am down and what I see and share it with people.
Which ironically is the reason why I plan on stopping.
It took me a while to realise it, but it still doesn’t change that truth. The reason why I started blogging is the same reason why I do every social call I have ever done in my life. I just want so much to belong somewhere. To find my niche. To find people I can share my life with and be shared back. Not individual people that I have to divide my time with. A group of people. A family. That belonging.
Some people join the army. Some people join gangs. I just do what I know and do best and try to find that sense of belonging here when I blog. There is something about blogging communities that I just feel that sense of honesty in a person. I’ve always said before that how a person blogs is always who they are. From how they write to what they write. Every single detail reflects a person in more ways than any one of us realises. Maybe I thought that if I was who I am here, I would feel more welcomed here than I was in real life.
I guess after two years, it’s time to say I was wrong about it.
Sometimes I wonder what is the point of putting down my thoughts and feeling or even my thoughts on things that matter and feel like I’m talking to a wall. If I wanted to do just that, I could do that in the comforts of my own room away rather than constantly check my blog to see if anyone read my posts let alone commented on it.
It’s that icy silence that hurts so much.
It’s that icy silence I have wanted to escape so long.
People have often stated that it’s the fact that I write things in finality and that what’s the point of commenting on it so many times. I have seen other people blog about things in even more finality to the situation and have more replies on the matter whether they redundantly agree or not. It’s not a yes or no world I want. I want a conversation.
Is that too hard to ask for?
I guess it is.
Because when you have people say to you “I don’t know why I didn’t comment.“, you begin to realise that something is seriously wrong here. There is something wrong because what sense of community would I have when all I am to the the rest of people is someone no one takes seriously.
It hurts everyday to not know I’m still out of everyone’s radar as hard as I try to make a difference in every day…and maybe a lot of you won’t understand why I’m ranting about this so much. It’s hard to understand when you have the option to walk away from people when you want to because you have people around you.
When you never had that in your life.
It’s another story entirely.
So yeah…I’ve been seriously thinking about it. Even though I’m going to push myself to past hurting knowing this will continue, I’m still going to blog for a while longer. I still have the Blogathon 2005 to do. Then come to think of it, the Blogathon would be a spectacular finale to this long run. It would at least be a meaningful thing to do with my blog before I leave whether or not people care.
Somehow it feels like this won’t matter as well.
Somehow it feels like I’ll be talking to the wall again.
Then again such is the irony of my life.
And the price to pay for never being anything else but who I am.