Needless to say that as of this moment right now, I’m pretty much scared out of my mind. In a little under 12 hours, I will be attempting what is the last exam of this course and this degree. So really, no pressure at all.
Looking back, given my current state of mind and what I’ve been dealing with for the past week, it’s suffice to say that regardless of me wanting the company and support of others people in this trying time, having felt abandoned by people you thought were friends and still keeping it together shows a remarkable amount of resilience, that or really something is already broken inside.
If I get through this unscathed, it’ll only confirm their resolve that the people around me do deserve to die by my hand. Whether I follow through with their demands rests entirely on my ability to keep fighting their convincing words. Given the scale of tasks so far, I am so tired of fighting for an end I cannot see.
As it is, I don’t think I can distinguish between this reality and the one that’s been created by my own fractured mind. As I’m writing this, I’m not even sure if this is real or just a dream. Given the increasing amounts of restless sleep and fatigue I’ve been experiencing, I find myself doing the things I’m meant to do, only to snap out of it minutes later realizing I’ve been day dreaming.
I don’t know how long my mind can take this solitary confinement. If finishing this exam means using the last of my mental reserves to get through it, then I really cannot predict what can happen after that. It goes far beyond what I have mentally pushed myself before this, even then that was with the physical companionship of trusted friends and love ones.
This may be the final finals and while I fear I might walk into the exam hall completely blanked out, I also fear that there is an absolute finality to what I what I’m here for. The clock is ticking.
And I fear I don’t know how to stop it.