Sometimes, the future can be a very scary place, even for people who plan and know what’s going to happen next. Sometimes, it isn’t much of the unknown that scares the bejeezuz out of you. It’s the realisation that months or even years of planning is finally going to come into full effect and you can hardly believe your eyes. Sometimes it’s just cold feet that you’re finally going to pull it off. And sometimes, it’s just the fear that even though everything is going without the hitch, you have the feeling that you’re going to screw it up in the worst possible moment.
As baby steps grow into full adult strides, I’m beginning to fear the steps I have to take to ensure a future I know I have to do. It’s a silly thing really. To find a job, to make a living like the rest of the people I know. I know I’m supposed to be qualified, but I can’t help to feel that somewhere along the line, I’m going to screw things up and humiliate myself like all those times before in high school. Some demons I guess, never let you go. It’s not very reassuring.
Then I think about all the things I can do after those steps. The house that we’re saving up for and the things I plan to build for it. My perfect kitchen, the geeked out computerised, entertainment system, Mel’s garden and even our bedroom and bathroom. There is a future in there that I want. A future that can give me some slice of happiness I’ve always craved for. A future beyond my mad quest to fulfill my life’s purpose. It isn’t a perfect kind of happiness, but at least, it’s a hope for one.
A hope that I am reminded to carry with me whenever I struggle to move forward despite the paralysing fear. I will walk those steps no matter how scared I am. Only because the moments of fear right now is nothing compared to the years of regret owing to never accomplishing your own dreams. So even if that hope for happiness and love doesn’t carry me forward, then at least the fear for a darker future will push me to do what is necessary on all fronts. It goes without saying that there is wisdom in the principles I live by.
“If love doesn’t do the job, then fear will”