Just when you think you hit the limit, you’re finding all sorts of things in yourself that you thought you couldn’t do. Sometimes it’s a good thing, in most cases its a bad thing. In my case of course there is no qualms there on exacty what thing it is to me. But in case you aready haven’t figured it out.
It’s definitely a bad thing.
A very very bad thing.
What I’m talking about really is the fact I can drink a lot…a hell lot more than I thought I could. Not in small sips at a time, we’re taking just chugging the whole glass of alcohol straight up. Chugging 14 whole glasses of alcohol straight up…3 of which were these huge mother of glasses. For a guy like me who did that and still ended up being one of the more sober people all around, not to mention the fact I drank the most.
It’s an accomplishment.
Well at least for me.
Then again, the fact of the matter is, even though I suddenly can become the most sociable person in the world; That I can be the me that always wanted to be without any thought of consequence, that I don’t have to wade in my thoughts of possibilities and just say what I wanted to say in situations like that. Even with all that which means to me more than a lot of things in this world, there is always some things that stand in the way of me using it on a free will basis.
Namely my stomach, my liver and my heart.
Ulcers I can stand really. After all…it’s physical pain and I’ve just gotten used to the fact that it hurts to begin with. My liver…well…that’s a worry I can put until later in life…that IS if I become an all too frequent drinker. My heart…that I worry a lot since if anything, my chest has been hurting a lot lately. If a heart attack is supposed to be worse off, I dread having to have it kill me that way.
Then there are always my friends.
I’m not talking about my friends who don’t know I have these conditions, I’m talking about the people I know who know taking alcohol is akin to me being passively suicidal. The people I care for that don’t like me being drunk no matter how sane I can be when I’m drunk. It’s always the people I care for the most that don’t like me drinking simply because they see the worst sides of it in me. Whether it destroys my health or the misconceptions of me being the “wild drunk”. They only see just that.
There is always that standing in the way.
My own health I can take care because really…I’m a survivor when it comes to these things. I don’t think my high tolerance to alcohol is a bad thing, I think it’s there for a reason. It’s just that I don’t want anyone to dislike me because I do drink and if it sacrifices my ability to be sociable the way I want to by being sober most of the time, then I rather have that simply because I rather not lose the people that I care for more than I care about making new friends.
I suppose in any case I can hold off my drinking or at least not let them know when I’ve casually drunk on social occassions. It’s safer that way on all occassions. It just burns me up to know that the only other way for me to be fun and social is something I can’t do all the time. It means so much to me and it means a lot to hold it back…but I suppose it is better than the only other alternative.
That is another story however.
One a lot of you are fully aware of already.
What choice do I have?
None, thats what.