Over the years, I have walked the roads on a journey to find companionship and camaraderie. It’s not exactly a grand ambition, for everyone travels this road one way or another. Although, most people are relatively more successful than me. They have their groups, their, cliques, their niches and their confidantes. Undoubtedly, it’s easier to take note of what other people have when you realise it’s everything you lack. This far along the road, I know I haven’t quite gotten there yet.
I know for the most part, this is a result of my own doing. I have high standards when it comes to having people counted as friends. I’d like to think that having someone you can count on to be there for you when you need them isn’t too much to ask. Unfortunately enough, it is for many I have come to know in the past, which is why it has always ended up in a parting of ways and the lonely self-loathing that I wallow in. It’s a choice and I definitely pay the price for it.
So at the end of the day, the people I know, the people whom I consider my peers, are the people I find myself in the company of, the people whom I share my daily existence with. Not life, but merely an existence. “Friendships” are maintained by the moment, for something of mutual gain. It just works better that way. It’s less a hassle for people and much less a disappointment on my expectations when things go wrong. I just wouldn’t call them friends per say because it’s hard to lob it into my definition for it. Doesn’t mean I don’t respect them either way. It’s just a matter of wordplay that’s all.
It’s is a lonely life. I know I’m better prepared for it these days, but it doesn’t take away the fact that I still yearn for good company to have. Someone I can laugh and share my secrets with and not have them run away. It is a cruel and unfair world out there to bear the burdens of a life you never wanted to live, it’s quite another to bear it in quiet solitude. People whom I’ve lost as friends has been moments of both dire sadness and solidified conviction, but never regret. They are testaments to the simple fact that living life is all about the continuous journey to reach for what we desire. Even if those lost friendships never understood what I’ve always been looking for, it doesn’t mean that no one out there does, and that is a simple enough dream to look for.
I would think that one day I would find people I can call true friends. In the mean time I would have to make do with what I have. A bottle of bourbon and a small prayer that you’ll have a good gaming night. It’s certainly better than false pretenses for friendship, and I’m really being serious about it.