I hate my body. I really hate the fact I have my body. I’m not talking about how I look because no matter how vain I am, the fact I look horrible is attributed to the fact I really don’t know how to make myself look appealing…which is beside the point in all of this.
The point really in all this is the fact that I think my body is trying to catch up with the age in which my mind is at. So if all evidance points in the direction which I suspect my mental age is correct…it would explain a lot on why my body feels like it’s always being used as a punching bag with a masochistic streak. That’s why I hate my body really.
I just can’t get it to stop hurting.
If there is anything about me I hate, it’s the fact I hate everything physical about it…down to my very genes. I hate the fact that I’m constantly blinded by my migraines ever since I was a kid. I hate the fact that my body is constantly tired and sore when I haven’t been doing anything physical at all. I hate the fact that for the most part of my life…I was outcasted for my blood rather than my thoughts. I hate the fact that eventually the rising cholesterol in my blood would come real close to killing me.
There are days when I just can’t wait for me to finish my research on genetic engineering or if someone else gets there before me I’d use it anyway. I just want to wipe my blood clean and start anew. I just don’t want this body for the rest of my life to be a constant source of burden for me. I mean…right now I can keep pushing foward because really I’m still young in terms of willpower.
What happens 10 or 20 years down the road?
My life isn’t going to be any easier on me. In any case, it’s going to get worse as I come closer to my goal…as I come closer to hitting what people say can’t be done. Where will my willpower be anyway? It’s not like I can expect her beside me holding me up pushing me to touch the stars I try so hard to hold. I can’t fight the battle of wills on so many sides.
That much of a war I cannot fight alone.
I’m not superhuman…yet.
I’m well aware that there are plenty of people out there that deserve a better body than me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to share with with the world. That doesn’t mean that what I do should apply to only me. I just want to make sure I want to be well enough to enjoy the fruits of my labour.
I just want to make sure at the end of it all I can have something back from all the pain I went through to get there.
I don’t know what I’m babbling about. All I know is that for the rest of the day today I had this splitting migraine in my head that feels like its both a hammer and a vise at the same time. All I could do is not let it fuck up my lab experiments any further and try to have a decent conversation with everyone. Pulling it off is one thing…the hell you go through to pull it off is another thing entirely.
One I want to end.
I hate my shell of a body.
No brownie points for guessing why.
God I need some asprin.