Things Not To Do When You’re Drunk…

Yes, not only am I a cheap drunk, I’m one of those people who actually is aware of what happens when he’s completely wasted. It’s like being trapped in your own body seeing yourself do things you could never do while being sober and at the same time feels like a dream…so surreal and so…well…surreal really.

So over the course of being drunk, I haven’t really done so much as to completely fuck up my life. In fact, more than anything, it has made my life much easier in a way. Yes it empties my wallet, screws up my stomach ulcers and yes it completely fucks up my liver eventually, but once in a while of being wasted with a friend has it’s benefits.

It’s just the other things you got to avoid.

  1. Animals are not your friends, do not try and pick them up or flirt with them.
  2. Drunkenese is NOT a sexy language. It will never be.
  3. When someone offers you to sign something. It’s always not a good idea to sign it when you’re wasted.
  4. Heat and alcohol do not mix. Don’t even try to cook when you’re wasted.
  5. No matter how cool it looks, don’t try to juggle knives. In fact don’t even go near them.
  6. No matter how cool an idea it may sound, sending a naked picture of yourself to your long time friend is always a bad idea.
  7. As much of your friend says one more jug to chug. Just say no. Seriously…just say no.
  8. Never mix science and alcohol. It’ll make the headache worse.
  9. Never mix philosophy and alcohol. It’ll make your headache worse AND make you depressed at the same time.
  10. Tattoos are never a good idea. Especially when the person you love in the tattoo turns out to be a person of the same sex (unless that’s your kind of thing).
  11. Never call your friend who you happen to have a crush on. You’re just making a fool of yourself.
  12. Never be wasted without a condom. You don’t want to wake up 20 years later to find out you had kids you never knew about.
  13. Never hang out in large groups and get wasted when you’re a geek. You’re going to be screwed over half a dozen times during the night and they probably would have pictures to prove it.
  14. No matter what they say. When you run out of things to drink, turpentine is NOT an alcohol you can continue with.
  15. Seriously. Stay of the road even after a drink or two. People can die and it’s not funny.

So really for the uninitiated, go easy on yourself. It doesn’t matter if you might be a cheap drunk or an expensive drunk. It doesn’t even matter if you are the Nobel Prize winner. A few shots of Jack Daniels and Black Russians later and you might be waking up with a splitting headache, butt naked with a tattoo saying “I love Robert” with a pug faced guy in front of you going:

Arrr…you’re in the Navy boy…

Then again, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get wasted every once in a while. I believe everyone should get wasted at least ONCE in their lifetime. Just make sure you follow those simple rules and you’ll stay out of trouble really. The only real problem is how are you going to remember those rules when you’re piss drunk in the first place?

Well that might certainly be a problem.

At least you had me there with some sense to begin with, otherwise I think we’d both be screwed.

In more ways than one.

Which does sound appealing in a way.


3 thoughts on “Things Not To Do When You’re Drunk…

  1. …I’m a bit worried about being drunk and waking up to find a used condom still in my ass. 😛 And amalgam of points 12 & 13

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