Sometimes all nightmares can do is to remind you how much you lost in life. Sometimes all nightmares can do is to tell you how much price you had to pay in the end. Sometimes all nightmares can do is to stop you from forgetting the biggest mistake in your life.
My nightmares just happen to do all of them.
I hate being trapped in mine over and over again. It just seems that no matter where I go, at the end of it all, I would always return to the place where it all began and ended for me. A place I tried so hard to escape but yet find myself returning time and time again in my mind because there is no way to escape it.
No way to escape her.
The thoughts and sentiments from other people saying that I’ll find someone else isn’t much of a reassurance to begin with. After all given the fact that I’m someone who prefers to see things done than seeing things said, seeing results is more a comfort and a reassurance for me in life.
So you can imagine the kind of life I have built for myself over the years, with every mistake I have made, covered by the actions that would put those stinging wounds at ease. Every act of stupidity I have done would be covered by the actions of sheer will to be better and smarter than I was previously.
Then again what would I do with wounds of the heart?
It’s a sheer laugh in the face that I fix it otherwise.
No…it just so happens that I have to find out, the only way that wounds of the heart can ever be healed is with that of another. The ultimate catch-22 for my life just happens to be one of the only few solutions where it is impossible for me to fully address myself by myself…and that is the nightmare which I seem to be going through day after day, night after night.
But I am still a good little soldier.
Nightmares or not, personal torment or not, I still have a life to live right? We all have our own personal demons and consuming mistakes in life, this just happens to be mine and as sure as I am not the first person to feel this…empty hole in myself…I doubt I would be the last either.
All I can do is to keep reminding myself of what I need in life.
All I can do is to keep reminding myself of what I want in life.
All I can do is life with the nightmares is to stop others from having them.
That’s all I can do.
The rest unfortunately…would be in my trust on someone else.