Something said on the 9rules notes pretty much stirred up some thoughts and feelings that I’ve been keeping locked up for a long time. Even so whatever I replied as a result, some things shouldn’t said out loud even if you wear your feelings on your sleeves. That much I’ve learnt over the years.
It’s hard to focus on what I’m supposed to be doing now that all the emotions are boiling close to the surface. Given the conditions of the past 48 hours, my anger has been fluctuating like a bi-polar roller-coaster, Given that I don’t have the liberty and luxury to throw a fit, staying in the state of mind that requires me to do my work has been difficult to sat the least. Anger has to go somewhere, but since the problem has never really gone away, and neither will my responsibilities for the next 24 hours, anger will have to stay for the time being.
Even as I type this, I am so tempted to lash out at everything in the world. I’m so tempted to pound this keyboard and mean every single word I say at every single wrongs I have felt done upon. But anger has always been a two edged sword, especially for someone who has kept it seething underneath the surface for a very long time. Some prices to pay aren’t worth the blood you will shed because of it. Once started, some things can only see itself to the end.
So I will sit here and keep up the work, even if my mind feels lethargic and hungry for blood. Even if time feels against me. Some things are more important than self-righteous thoughts of unfairness in the world. Some things start with a simple unspoken exam which might determine what you’ll be doing in the next two years. That’s not something you’d want anger to get in the way of.
Not even if it’s for a little peace of mind.