Yes I have been depressed and angry over the past few days. Whatever measure of self-control that kept all the unwanted feelings at bay evaporated with the amount of effort in put into studying for my exams. Some of the reasons why these feelings have exploded into my life are clear to a handful of people, some of the reasons however, even I have yet to work it out.
One thing is clear though, I make no excuses in the way I have acted. Being emotional is one thing, but being someone who was brought back from the brink of suicidal depression so many years ago would know that there is no excuse for being self-destructive and being a jerk to be self-isolated from people that would want to help out of good faith. I should know better and for that I am sorry and thankful at the same time.
Some things however remain unchanged in their state. Some pasts will never be rewritten even if you’ve survived through them. All they do is shape the person that you are in all its character perks and in this case, its flaws. It is in the knowledge that going through them before gives you the security of enduring them again, but all it does is prepare you in anticipation for the fact it will happen again. Unless things are changed, the darkness that shaped us becomes nothing more than a seething malignancy, threatening to surface every now and again, destroying everything you’ve worked hard for.
All I have against that past are my ambitions and desires. Ones I pursue with selfless passion and paradoxically with paranoid caution. I want to be free of that past. I want to stand on that high ground one day and say that all that I’ve been through amounted in pushing me to achieve whatever success I wanted. Though for now it still means enduring that haunted past and frustrating present and feel the old wounds and fresh scars as it still burns with the isolation that it has wrapped around me.
That being said, I will feel better in a few days. You can’t live with this kind of dysfunction for almost all your life without developing some kind of ability to live through it. If anything, it doesn’t affect the ability to be responsible, it just makes me irritable most of the time. But one day I’ll live without that burden. One day I won’t be overlooked, isolated and alone. One day, I’ll have company of others in place of the voices and the darkness.
One day…but not today.