As time ticks away, so too does my whatever optimism I have towards life in general. People tend to say I’m a cynical bitter person, I can’t think of any counter argument to their point.
What really bugs me is that is whether the perception of my choice really the better one under the circumstance. Life has never given me any reason to look at it in any other way than this cold, practical view I’ve always relied on. Yet everyone tells me that there is a better way, their way. A way where the light shines so bright, it hurts to be in. Yet, those ways are tempered by constant failure on my part. Any sense of normalcy in thoughts and actions paved its way to the eventual disappointment and frustration of its plight. I cannot seem to succeed by doing what every one else does. There could only be one way left to succeed.
My way to succeed.
There in lay the sad never ending cycle. A lonely path perpetuated by the disconnection of my perceptions, principles, motives and actions from the rest of the world. At the same time, a disconnection that forces me to keep walking the same lonely path. Over and over again, without relief in sight.
As much as I want out of it, I know that choice isn’t one where I can realise the possibility of my own successes. While I know at this point in life, that I can have everything that I know is the better choice, what’s left in the dust is the bitter core of my wants and desires. Something I have to contend with as a consequence of the choices I willingly make to ensure a better future. At least that’s what I tell myself in the darkest of nights, if only to tilt the fine balance between sanity and madness.
The real tragedy is that at the end of it, there is no one in my life that can comfort me in times such as this. As much as I scream out to the world, people will either turn a blind eye or a deaf ear to my plight. I can’t really blame them, their way is their own world, as much as my way is mine. There is little that can be done under the circumstances, much less begin to understand why I scream in agony at the night. And that’s where it all goes wrong in my world, for at least for people such as yourself, you can find comfort and solace should choose to in the arms of people who share the same path as yourself. In my disconnection, I’ve isolated myself from the means in which I could smile, even for a moment.
I have become solely responsible for my own happiness and that scares me more than any other responsibility I’ve ever attempted in my life.