Sometimes I do not know which is the lesser of two evils.
The over-active feelings of abandonment and isolation.
Or the meticulous thoughts of seemingly random murder and bloodshed to cover up the feelings of abandonment and isolation.
Some days I feel as thought my life is a chapter in a very dark book, whose story can only end in a Shakespearean tragedy where everyone dies, including myself. It’s not without a certain hidden pleasure that I would have permanently silenced the demons that have long plagued my waking thoughts and occasionally my nightly dreams. Demons than walk and laugh in my reality, a reminder of what I lost and a testament what made me the way I am now. It is not without a peaceful certainty that my final bloody moments would make some sort of difference to a world I could never ignore, a world I wanted to change at all cost.
It’s odd how I can write this down without so much the anger and frustration as I’m normally used when writing things like this. I understand now why the people that walked the same road did the things they did. It’s part fear, part anger, part purpose, part fate and part destiny. They wanted to make a difference and they didn’t know any other way aside from what they did. I understand that and in so many ironic ways, I empathise that.
It calls to me too. Those thoughts. That road. It calls to me like a sirens song bathed in the blood of all that have made our lives, complete. If I knew no other way, I would walk that road as you all have. I would cut the final strings of my sanity and run naked through the fire that will be my own making. If I knew no other way…but I do.
It’s why there hasn’t been a trail of blood in my wake. Why all this time it was about rebuilding what we destroy than simply be the instrument of their destruction. We want the world to change in a way they could never ignore us. So this time they will. I will pay the price for it as all of us have, but there will be change we wanted, if not the seeds sown for that change. There is another way to our “madness” and I will not turn my back at the opportunity, not just yet.
It gives me a great measure of peace to know that I will have my pounds of flesh and blood in return, though it irks me to realise that it won’t be any time soon. What’s left goes back to those frequent thoughts of two evils. One reminding me of the road I have taken before. One reminding me of the road I would soon take. Both hanging by a thread of logic and rationality behind empty eyes you pass by every single day unawares.
What fun it will be when you will soon know.