Enemy Of The Mental State

Every once in a while, whatever self control I have to hold back my depression takes a hike. I’ve lived long enough with it to think that’s pretty normal since for the most part, keeping things together in my head takes a lot out from me. It’s not without some form of physical stress like the constant chest pains, the deepening joint aches and of course, the ever present migraines.

These days though, whatever is left of my self control has been taking more and more walks. A sign that I’m either finally losing it or there is too much burden on me right now to warrant constant vigilance on my fragile state of mind.

Usually, it isn’t a cause for concern. Things like this come and go without people noticing it. What worries me is how deep into the depression I have been going. It’s not moment that I want to be free from everything. It’s not everyday that am tempted to just let go. Yet the thoughts that occupy my mind, as frightening and disapproving as they are to the people that know of it, is a comforting security blanket to the turbulent and chaotic thoughts that scream at those moments of despair.

Does it frighten me? No. I have made my peace for being shuffled loose the mortal coil a long time ago. What the walking dead can do is to live whatever remaining years they have left with as much zeal that normal people take for granted. Maybe there is another way to live than just being dead to the world, if there were such a way, I wasn’t raised to believe it, let alone appreciate its subtle beauty the way people describe it to me.

My only regret is that my presence here, in this world, is still taken for granted. People never realize until it’s too late and for what it’s worth, the only person I can rely on to keep myself moving is, myself. There is no one to fall back to. No one to whom I can confide in. No one to simply ask, understand and accept. No one in this perception of an existence to call a friend.

Perhaps until then, I can never rest until I’ve gained a measure of presence that can’t be ignored. I can never be free of whatever darkness inhabiting my mind until I know that it doesn’t have to come to losing my self control and tearing my mind apart for someone to drop by and say hello.

In the world, my world of solitude and a battle of wills between sanity and madness, maybe the cure is simpler than talking to a shrink or popping pills. While cruelly out of reach, maybe salvation and redemption is in company of friends that show no pity or guilt to the walking time bomb of my mind. Friends that never leave me long enough to come to that. Friends that never open always open conversation with “I need your help”.

In the subtle beauty of a world that people have shown me, that is an ideal world I want to live in. But none of us live in our ideal world. At least, not until we make something of it. At least not until the end of the road where there is nothing left to lose…

…and nothing left to give.

11 thoughts on “Enemy Of The Mental State

  1. Get some help, Kami. Don’t ignore it. There’s always a way even when we’re not capable of seeing it. You say there is no one to talk to, what about Mel?

  2. Mel helps as much as she can, but it’s already established before that she won’t put up with much emotional stuff because she doesn’t understand feelings at all. I’m in position to ignore it anyway. I deal with it the best way I can with what I have. 🙂

  3. Estarla: Nice to know, but you know with our time differences, that’ll be tricky. 🙂

    Chibster: It’s not about how much good things there are because there are. It’s about how much bad things you have to keep away to balance the rest of you life with. To keep the scales balanced to something better or at least evenly. That’s the trick.

  4. The thing that always sustains me in the darkest moments is that living is a rebellion. So I have two quotes for you.

    Henry Miller, Tropic of Capricorn:

    The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware

    Albert Camus, The myth of Sisyphus (Read this book!):

    The struggle itself is enough to fill a man’s heart.

    Seriously, if anyone is having an existential crisis, read this book!

  5. Cerebralmum: Thanks. 🙂 Existential crisis though, I don’t think I’m suffering from that. Nietzsche and Kant are my comforts for the meaning to life, but they aren’t what I’m looking for. 🙂

    ChickyBabe: She knows and understand what she wants. It’s different from empathising with what other people want or feel. It’s not bad or anything. It just makes her unique.

  6. If this is anything, yours is the best written blog I’ve read in a while. Usually, I tell myself that depression is a state of mind. My chemically imbalanced mind on a downward spiral in a roller-coaster with no seat-belts on that I can’t get off just yet. I’d just hold on tight and it would pass. They all do, always.

  7. It does pass yes. It’s what I do when I’m in those moments that worry me. Some things can’t be taken back. Not when there is already blood on your hands.

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