My mood swings are getting more erratic. More a life of their own than anything else. If these thoughts become a full blown alternate personality, I know I’m in need of some serious help. Then again, this was no different than my teenage years where I did have another side to myself. It’s just that this time, that other side has grown a little smarter and much more dangerous. Not wanting to mess around with it, I rather have it under wraps than leaving a trail of havoc that cost me the best parts of my life again.
Yet it’s still a part of me I can’t deny, whatever it can do, it’s still a part of me that’s managed to climb to the very top and keep climbing regardless of what gets thrown my way. People spend their whole life trying to find their real self. When I found this, reconciling who I am and what I’ve become was perhaps the longest and most troublesome thing in my life to do. Now out here without the company of my peers again, I have to try and do the same thing.
I don’t know if it’s something I can do on my own terms. People have said that I need to go out and meet real people. It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I feel too far gone to start building a chance relationship from scratch. I want to tell the world everything, but I know that world isn’t readily accepting of this state of mind. It’s hard enough controlling these thoughts by myself, it’s harder still to keep it at bay in the presence of another person I desperately want to connect with. You can’t build bridges that way when you scare every potential friend in sight. It pushes me to rely more on that mirrored self because I have no one else to turn to. Every rejection, every moment of silence is a reason to turn to him.
If there are days when I don’t have any solution to the problem, that would be now. It’s not everyday that I am at the end of my rope. But telling you is a start. Where this ends, I don’t think any one of us will know.