Well, she said she couldn't and you know what? I don't feel that bad. More so because I understand her reasoning completely to the letter and if it were me in her position, I guess I would say the same thing as well (or maybe I won't, but that's just my social craving).

What does make me feel bad is the fact that I'm starting to realize that there are plenty of social events that I could be attending would I have been a little closer to home. Social events that did not happen at the same time in the previous years that I was back home. Extraordinary coincidence, kismet or just people suddenly realizing I won't be home for Christmas? Doesn't take a conspiracy nut to start putting things together and thinking that there is something wrong with this picture.

Yes it does dampen the holiday mood that I'm in somewhat. On one hand, you know I'm a social animal. On the other hand, it's just that for some counter-serendipitous reason, I'm never in a position to start flexing those muscles. I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time to what I would like to happen for once. It just seems that no matter what I do, I can never be as socially well regarded as the people I know. It's something that isn't natural for me, something I have to work my butt off to get there. Something that still isn't working.

So I sit here, frustrated and angry at the world for being looked and passed over for people with a much more normal niche because I decided to be honest with myself and with people. Frustrated and angry because as much as I have pushed myself to move on and look at the brighter things in my life, there will always be that part of myself that knows I deserve to be standing up somewhere with close friends to share with, while random strangers want to get to know me because I'm worth something to them. Frustrated and angry because while I may have something to show for in life, I'm still no closer to being part of something nor have I felt the belonging of a group.

Sometimes, it's your own private hell to be denied what you've craved and worked for all your life. More so when you realize that everyone else has what you just want to be a part off. More so when you realize that you still have no reason to have what you crave for the most.

Fuck.