Fuck Social Events

Well, she said she couldn’t and you know what? I don’t feel that bad. More so because I understand her reasoning completely to the letter and if it were me in her position, I guess I would say the same thing as well (or maybe I won’t, but that’s just my social craving).

What does make me feel bad is the fact that I’m starting to realize that there are plenty of social events that I could be attending would I have been a little closer to home. Social events that did not happen at the same time in the previous years that I was back home. Extraordinary coincidence, kismet or just people suddenly realizing I won’t be home for Christmas? Doesn’t take a conspiracy nut to start putting things together and thinking that there is something wrong with this picture.

Yes it does dampen the holiday mood that I’m in somewhat. On one hand, you know I’m a social animal. On the other hand, it’s just that for some counter-serendipitous reason, I’m never in a position to start flexing those muscles. I’m always in the wrong place at the wrong time to what I would like to happen for once. It just seems that no matter what I do, I can never be as socially well regarded as the people I know. It’s something that isn’t natural for me, something I have to work my butt off to get there. Something that still isn’t working.

So I sit here, frustrated and angry at the world for being looked and passed over for people with a much more normal niche because I decided to be honest with myself and with people. Frustrated and angry because as much as I have pushed myself to move on and look at the brighter things in my life, there will always be that part of myself that knows I deserve to be standing up somewhere with close friends to share with, while random strangers want to get to know me because I’m worth something to them. Frustrated and angry because while I may have something to show for in life, I’m still no closer to being part of something nor have I felt the belonging of a group.

Sometimes, it’s your own private hell to be denied what you’ve craved and worked for all your life. More so when you realize that everyone else has what you just want to be a part off. More so when you realize that you still have no reason to have what you crave for the most.

Fuck.

4 thoughts on “Fuck Social Events

  1. I’d like to comment, but I’m not entirely sure what it is that makes you angry like you say. That a girl said no to you, that you’re not able to be at home (Malaysia, I suppose) or that you’re somewhere where you want to be for (professional) reasons but not because you like it there so much?

    From what I do get, I’d think that you’re better off where you are (being honest) than being instantly gratified by being home (and having what your friends have there). I suppose you’d like to have both and I can see that’s not only hard to achieve, but hard to swallow if it doesn’t (yet) happen. Mm, I fear I’m becoming as vague as you are here and that doesn’t help, does it?

    Well, the girl doesn’t really matter I guess and the conspiracies sound slightly far-fetched, so maybe you’re in the right place after all? I don’t know. I’d love if you elucidated more.

    Seems like everyone’s going for the lament in their posts, you, me and Cas, to name a few. Holiday season getting to us? Take care nonetheless.

  2. The lady saying no is alright. It’s the fact I keep missing social events and losing out on social patter that I see everyone getting, on and offline. I enjoy being with people a lot. Not so much the attention, but being part of…something.

    Then again, you’re right to say that I’m better off where I am right now. It’s the sheer frustration of missing out on the things I want that makes me angry. Especially when its things I’ve been striving to get for a long long time.

    Ahh well, rant and move on. The benefits of having a blog. 🙂 Hope you feel better too.

  3. Yeah, thanks, seems like getting it all out there for the others to rack their brains over is rather a gratifying element of blogging indeed.

    As for not being elsewhere, thinking you’re missing out on something, is something I can relate to very well, albeit on a much more local level these days. The problem with that, however, is that even being there is never enough. In the end, you arrive in one place, only thinking where you wanna be next. Not the best way to go either : – )

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