Holding The Heart Hostage

I’d like to believe that after almost 7 years, we would have moved on in life, able to talk to one another again without feeling the slightest amount of regret and pain for what has happened all those years ago. Unfortunately, life isn’t so forgiving and neither does it play fair.

We are definitely each others Kryptonite. We invoke in one another feelings that may never be resolved. It makes it harder on us just by realising how easy it is to fall back into old habits just simply conversing even online. I know you still love me. It’s not the first time you’ve admitted it in the years after you decided to walk way. That was never the problem. It’s just so frustrating to see you take a step forward towards rebuilding what we once lost then taking two steps back into the silence in which you’ve kept yourself from me all these years.

I want you to be happy. I always did, despite the things you did to try and tear me from you. Yet saying that I am the one that would give that to you isn’t helping your cause. I wish there was something I could do for you, I really do. But even I had to climb out of the empty hole that you left in your wake. I know I can never find someone who reads me quite like you do. Someone who shares that darkness the same way we do. I may never have been the better person, but as you said last night, I’ve always been the most compatible. Isn’t that all we look for even in friendship?

You taught me so much in your presence and in your absence. A large part of who I am today is because of you. Yet I still can’t convince you to take my hand and laugh like the times of old. Despite it all, we always seem lost to one another. That small part of me devoid of the morbid humour and curiosity we shared as I know is empty in you too.

I still love you in a way I love no one else. That part of my heart will always belong to you, even the one beside me knows and accepts it with a graciousness knowing there she can never compete for that place. I never drew that line you would not cross, you did. It’s unfair to both of us. For you to punish yourself like this. For me as being someone whom you’ll have all or none at all.

I know I will never let you go after all that we’ve been through, but I have moved on. I just wish you would move on with me to a future that while may not be one of our dreams past and present, but one we can still make a reality in an otherwise unknown future.

A future where that mint plant is still alive and hopefully, just hopefully, aphid free.

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