I want to feel again.
Rather, I want to feel the light shine overhead again. The rigours of the past few months has pushed everything in my life out of sync. Whatever dependencies that I had to keep the chaotic moods at bay are far away or non-existent. Instead what’s left it its wake was either the uncontrolled tide of emotions or a wall to keep everything in and out. For my life to work at least, I had to build myself that wall. Now, the days feel like a moment upon moment of empty steps, devoid of purpose and passion that I used to roll myself in.
These days are reflected in my life. They echo in my speech, mirrored in my actions and even displayed on what I write…or don’t write. If ever I had a muse to my outrageous ideas or ingenious creativity, that poor soul is locked out of my life, unable to bear inspiration to the work and play for as long as I keep trying to protect myself from a volatile mix of thoughts and feelings.
I know that somewhere along the line, I can’t keep everything walled up inside me or the damn will burst, spilling everything out with an explosive force that can threaten anyone else that stands in its wake. I know it’s bad because I know I have lost a fair share of people in the times when I decided to “lose it”. Yet I could never see any other way to deal with the lack of confidantes, much less emotional intimacy than what I force myself to keep doing over and over again.
I wish I didn’t have to walk down this road, but I am. And I will always walk down this road for as long as I have to. A reckless cycle. A destructive cycle. A lonely cycle. An endless cycle. One that goes on and on and on until someone is brave enough to drop by and say hello.