For the past week now, I’d held back telling everyone I know how I feel. For the most part, it’s because people talk more than they are willing to listen, for the rest of it, it’s because even if I do share, there is little that people so far away can do to help to comfort. The best I can do at this moment is and always has been what I should be able to do – the things on my own.
It’s just that for the past week, I don’t know what that has been. I know I have to move forward, but I’m stuck trying to remember how to put one feet forward at a time, much less remember how to grip the objects in front of me to pull myself forward.
It doesn’t help that I know, I can see what lies ahead, what I should do, what I should have done. It doesn’t help that I just want it all to end, that I don’t want to keep facing crisis after crisis. It doesn’t help that I can keep a straight face at this, that I can write exactly what I feel right here right now without as much as a single facial expression of doubt or worry. It doesn’t help that I keep stalling, that I procrastinate the needful things, knowing I’m wasting precious time on the ticking clock on a very real deadline.
For the first time in a long time, I am very very scared and very very alone, and I can’t move from where I’m standing until I stop choking up. The question is, will I be too late to move when I finally stop?
I don’t really know, and that’s what scares me even further.