I hate this feeling. The feeling that places myself in self-doubt and malcontent towards the only thing wrong with my life. My own self.
I know that there would be people who are willing to kill to have what I have right now and I know if anything, what I can do as a person is something that those closest to me have always stood in silent commendation and respect that it’s something few people are able and willing to wield. Yet in all that can go right in my life, all that is to smile and bask in it’s beauty, I still feel this nagging sense of worry.
Maybe I’m just tired because maybe there isn’t anything to feel withdrawn from. Maybe it’s that feeling of unrest that I don’t feel that I’m going enough to keep all that’s good and kind in my life. Maybe I’m still caring about things I should have let go a long time ago.
Some things that made me who I am and what I am don’t just fade away even if you willing to take those steps to change your life towards something more than just my own twisted sense of self pity. You are who you will always be and nothing you can do will change that part of yourself. You can be a better version of yourself, but not even masking it, pretending that it doesn’t exist will change who you are or what you’ve been through.
I’m starting to think that maybe this discomfort is the sheeps wool starting to itch after wearing it for far too long over my wolfish coat. I’ve been saying yes and making leeways for far too many things needful or not that I forget how much of the things I want in my life I really ignore. If a person’s sense of self is defined from the achievement of his own desires then maybe this sense utter and complete failure in my life is because I’ve been pushing back my wants for so long.
I feel that I am going to need my own break very soon or I’m going to looking at my own breakdown. It’s bad enough to feel insecure about all the choices in your life and and jealous of the achievements of even those closest and dearest to you even though you know you’re better. It worse to prove yourself right that you’re nothing more than someone who doesn’t deserve the capabilities and life than you have earned so far.
I need to start stepping back from my life for quite a bit and start tying up loose ends before they become too frayed to put together. More’s the pity if I end up throwing everything away once again in favour of the malice that burdens my heart. Now that I certainly don’t want to see happen. Not ever again.