It seems like every time I come home these days, in place of a moment where I can kick back and unwind for an otherwise long day, I find myself constantly being burdened with new problems without any clear solution.
There are good nights and bad nights in this constant struggle for my own sanity. Nights where I can take a deep breath and pretend that whatever problems that stand in my way is a daily sweet bread that I munch on. Nights where I snap, hurting everyone and myself in more ways than just verbally lashing out at the slightest fault.
It’s another battle altogether to keep it all together. More so when I’ve come to believe that there whole world is out to get me and the only person I can rely on to see this night through is myself. It’s not hard to reach this point. Just find yourself constantly on the deep end of a tidal pool.
I guess on a whole, I’ve stopped believing in the good that people can offer. It’s all words and promises that lead to the unreliable disappointment in times of need. Not even friends or loved ones escape this bleak pessimism which has now become the foundation of my own social interaction towards the outside world.
“You are as much as a friend as you are useful”
If there are nights where I should be relaxing, that time has come and gone. What’s left in its stead is the person I never wanted to be. A person I have to be. If only because there isn’t anyone there to ease the burdens. The ones that blindside you in the wee hours of the morning. The ones that are always scarier than the nightmares you wake up to.
I don’t like this cross at all.
It’s just too heavy.