Nightmares Of My Past…

Dreams are a reflection of our subconscious thoughts. I think a lot of us know that and I think I’ve written about that somewhere before. Some of you know that I rely on my dreams as some sort of compass to tell me what’s going to happen in my life. As much as I rely a lot on my dreams as a subconscious predictions, these days they have become nothing more than the memories of that hurtful past I walked through.

I hate my nightmares.

It just had to be a double whammy in my sleep didn’t it? It wasn’t enough that she would affect my dreams so much. It wasn’t enough that I was already walking alone in my sleep. I had to bump into her and the rest of my ex high school mates who had a habit of walking out on me when they wanted to do something. Talk about the mother of all insecure pasts, isn’t it enough that I have to face things like this when I’m awake.

Now I got to deal with it when I’m asleep as well?

I guess there is nothing I can do. My past is my past and my dreams…well…I can’t do anything about it but sit it through like a good little soldier. Even in my dreams I try and run as far away from the pain as I can…but no matter how much you try to, you can never run away from whatever burned you so badly before.

It’s just how life works.

The only thing that can save you is to have someone to stand by you through these nightmares, whether or not you’re awake or asleep. It doesn’t help you to keep running from the pain. It doesn’t keep you relatively safe and sane to face them on your own alone. I mean look what it is doing to me anyway…eating and tearing at my insides like a sadistic beast without mercy and compassion.

No one deserves this kind of torment.

No one.

Even given my drunken stupor last night, it’s nightmares like that which push me to try and comfort people no matter what. Everyday I try to take away that hurt from the people I care for, shoulder their insecurity and the burden of the solitude they face even when they are angry with themselves and everything else around them.

I will not flinch or back off even when I’m facing the worse part of themselves. If nightmares can be just as bad as the real life we see in ourselves…then let me stand by with the dignity of facing up to their own self imposed nightmares. I wouldn’t leave anyone like how people have left me in the darkest parts of myself.

No one needs more nightmares of abandonment.

Certainly not from me.

But as much as I comfort others, it still doesn’t solve my own nightmares. I can’t run away from them and I can’t face them alone in my state of unrest. I just deal with them one step at a time as I deal with the rest of the things in my life and endure the consequences of things I cannot deal with.

Oh yes…even nightmares have their consequences.

You’re always there to take in everyone’s pain everyday until you hurt not just for yourself but with others as well and we could never be there for you like you’re there for us.

But not all consequences are bad.

At least not the way I see it.

At least someone else can be a little less sad.

Whatever I have to deal with later…that’s another story.

7 thoughts on “Nightmares Of My Past…

  1. Looks like you’re fighting a battle on two fronts. You’re right that dreams reflect our unconscious. In fact, they continue it. I read somewhere that dreams are our subconscious way of dealing with the emotions we supress or did not resolve when we’re awake. When we sleep, unhindered by the censors, our subconscious mind continues the work. So we dream of secret crushes, supressed anger, lust, insecurities, etc. Of course, often we wake up and redo all the damage again. Sometimes, it can take years of recurring dreams or nightmares before our demons are exorcised. To paraphrase, uhm, Yoda, “Mind your dreams, for they will save you”. 🙂 What does he dream of, I wonder.

  2. Tormett: Oh I fight the war on many fronts. Too many battles, just trying to keep on by sheer willpower alone. Then again…some nightmares can’t be won alone. That’s usually the point of all this. To give people a reason to fight their nightmares.

  3. I guess some wars aren’t meant to be won by bullets and bombs. What exactly are you fighting against? I admit, all those metaphors are making my head spin 🙂 But I guess we are indeed the middle children of history – when “war” doesn’t really mean tanks and soldiers, “battle” doesn’t mean a firefight. How confused we are now. Wasn’t it simpler when the enemy was communism, the good guys were democracy and freedom, and a kiss is just a kiss?

  4. Tormentt: I fight against life and whatever life throws at me and the people I care for. I live a…somewhat…different life than alot of people whether by choice or the way I see things or the way life is for me. It isn’t that confusing…just…hard to deal with most of the times. I don’t think things have changed much except for the amount of things people have to deal with. The more time passes, the more some of us have to deal with a lot more things than before…and not many of us can have the stength to keep going.

  5. i have a lot of dreams that i am working very hard. it seems like i work all night long and when i wake up i actually feel tired from the dreams.

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