"There is nothing I can do but listen."

Her grip tightening around me as I told her the raw uncut truth. She knows this is who I am. She knows despite it all, I would never betray her trust.

"So I'm alone in this?"

"Never alone. I cannot imagine the torture you must be going through, but I will always watch your back."

"But it's still my battle to fight and I don't have any answers and neither do you."

"I'm sorry."

Her eyes tore away from mine in guilt knowing that she was the reason I would not betray my word to her. As she looked back, the face of strength and devotion that carried her trust turned towards me.

"I wish I could give you your answers. But I know you'll find a way regardless."

As I watched her fall into slumber and kissed her goodnight, I thought hard about my plight, trying to push the images of desire far away from my mind. I know I am strong, but I'm still human and one way or another, I am going to falter in my step regardless. As much as I want what I want, some mistakes when done cannot be undone. With the dangerous game afoot, I stand to lose both people in my life if I don't thread carefully.

Looking at her, I knew what I had to do what I haven't done in a long time. Something I'm not particularly proud off in my life, but for the sake of protecting everything without driving myself insane. Some old habits are the only solution I can think off.

This is the day I held in again my hand, the oddly comforting edge resting against the air chilled skin. I held it in my hand and drew blood. There would be no turning back from this one. Not until I can find a better way. Not until I can find what I'm looking for. A way out and some peace of mind from the options that have nothing to do with everyone having happy endings.