Sometimes to do what’s good is to become the worst parts of yourself. The irony here is when you realize you’ve damn near forgotten how to be the part of yourself you never want to be again. If I knew better, I wouldn’t be writing this right now trying to find the right words to express the feeling of fear and coming despair I’m trying to bury.
Maybe, as always what I feel inside has never really gone away. As much as I try to be a sociopath, being human still means to feel. While I’ve always dealt with my feelings the same way I’ve drawn sharp blades across my flesh, these days, my thoughts are burned onto the pages of this blog as a way for me to move on from it.
That’s what carthesis is all about. We rant, we rave, we cheer, we cry, and then we move on.
Right now I fear losing the one person I’ve always shared my life with and be shared with hers in return. I fear in her departure, I will no longer be that person that makes her feel better in times of need. I weep for the impending loss and hate the fact that I am unable to do anything more due to the position I am in. I wish and hope that there could have been more to it than what it is. If there is anything left to feel in the next few days, it would be joy of having you around and the regret that we didn’t make anything more of it.
Having said that, I hope that these feelings can be put aside. At least until you leave. At least until I fulfil the final days of being your house mate. One that will always perve at you, always wondering “what if?”. One you always talk with in the wee hours of the morning in moments of despair. One that held your hand the night the stars burned so bright.
Neither distance or time can change that. Neither feeling nor events can destroy what we have. I will always be that rock for you when you need me. Always and forever.