Scared To Fail

The insecurity of underachievement and failure to succeed in life is upon me again as always. An invisible shadow that drives me to put the worst possibilities of my life on the silver platter to be served. Yet in all that surrounds me, people whom are and will move on in life towards bigger responsibilities than just the classroom, I tend to forget too that my delay to be among them as collegues not classmates, is due to my inability to break certain weaknesses that could make me far better than the rest of them and the fact I would also hold two degrees rather than just one.

It is hard for me to swollow the reality that although I believe myself to be truly different and unique as an individual, it has gotten me nowhere closer to my hopes and ambitions to carve a chunk of the world into history. Yet, in all my knowledge and understanding that sets me apart from others and gives me the edge I need to pursue my dreams, I still find myself lacking in abilities and opportunities that my peers have taken the first steps in. And that scares me shitless when it crosses my mind at night.

Can I make something of myself? Mel has no doubt about that one. My lecturers have no doubt about that one. Friends seem to think I’m going somewhere. I know I will go somewhere. At the end of it, it isn’t the question of how high I will be at the end. It’s more the question of how long will I take and given my mental state of shutting down whenever I tend to hit a wall…which life often throws a handful at a time…how long will it take for me to move past that?

I know I’m good at what I do. I’m not great, but I’m good. I know I have the ability to achieve whatever I set my mind to because it won’t be the first time in my life I succeed in things I work towards. But in life, success isn’t defined by how great you are or will be. Success of ambitions and dreams is defined by how well you stand by the simple things in life in order to work through a more complicated problem. No great things, but only great effort in simple things.

Given all that, can I keep up the simple tasks of running my own life before I run something more? Can I work the simple problems as finishing what I start before I start caving in? Can I stand up 10 even 5 years from now and say “I have the personal and financial security that I should have to spend the rest of my life with you”? Can I start now before it’s too late?

Can you wait for me if it’s not too late?

3 thoughts on “Scared To Fail

  1. i think there’s nothing wrong with going at a slow pace. so what the others can reach their goal quicker than you? that’s probably their pace. and who knows, they are taking their own sweet time as well. it’s just that they happen to get in the game quicker.
    i just think that it’s your life and how you come about achieving things you aim for and how long it takes, is all up to you. you are the one achieving and you are the one reaping the success. as long as you get there, i don’t see what’s the problem.
    you can’t force peaches to grow quicker when they only grow in summers. (ok, bad metaphor, nevermind)
    if you try to quicken your pace, wouldn’t it give you a chance to fuck up?

  2. Progress is progress. How fast you move doesn’t matter. It sounds like the biggest hurdle you face is that you crumble at hurdles. Putting things in the right order is the first order of business. All the questions you ask in your post are way ahead of the horse. Focus on the one step before you even think about the next. Why do you shutdown? When? How do you come out of it? Why then and not before? Etc.


  3. Celeste: It would screw things up the more I rush into them. I guess I’m scared of losing the things I have now because they have their own time of moving foward. I don’t want to be left too far behind. Things still move on even if I don’t.

    David: One step at a time is all I can do. Even if there are obsticles ahead of me, again all I can do is move through them past one step at a time. Time that does put me behind others. Sometimes we tend to forget that there are other people alongside us, My fear as it just that I’ll be too far back because I’m dealing with things slower than others. I guess thats the fear that puts a stop to everything. One I’m willing to work at no matter what the cost.

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