People who know me well know I have a stress defense mechanism. It’s no secret. For the most part a lot of you would have probably seem me in it anyway. The posts that I write, my blog here that I continuously tweak without an end in sight, the web design articles I always seem to surf for. The…private things I do when no one is looking. You know…those things.
But that’s beside the point.
The point really is that there is a reason why that defence mechanism is there in the first place. There was a time in my life where I was one of those people who attented sessions with other people in white coats who examine what’s in your head. No I wasn’t an alien abductee though looking back at those times I wonder now whether that would have been a better idea to begin with.
To cut a long story short. I need that mechanism to stay off the deep end I was in before. Without pushing myself to keep going, even if it damn near kills me, at least it would be better than what would be going on in my mind there and then.
But then sometimes…not even the most ingenius defence mechanism can save you from your own very real nightmares. The ones that don’t just exist in your mind, but happening at the very moment you’re awake and will keep echoing for the rest of your life until you hit that wall and go over the edge.
One of those times is now.
I am so screwed.
And at this moment, I don’t have any idea what I can do about it.