Some days I can’t even understand my own mood swings or the situations that lead up to those mood swings. I lash out at the world when my hour is at its worst, only to see it reverse itself the very next day in a series of events that are nothing short of miraculous. If anything, it is the events like this that always magnify my otherwise reddening face in embarrassment of my actions before.
I can’t help but feel the things I feel when I’m faced with what I face. The mounting frustration and disappointment seems almost routine after every bout of happiness in my life. I know I’m supposed to be well aware that life has it’s ups and downs, but when those ups and down screw with my roller coaster of emotions, I think it’s about time I have to say “no” to that.
The upside to moments like this is that while I don’t have people around me to suffer through my mood swings, the people who do know me, who are too far and few in between, understand me enough that they put up with it. They may not have a way to comfort me as I would like them to, but they don’t judge me (much) by it. It’s just another facet and quirk of my personality that comes with the whole package that they must like somehow, and that whole package should always be what we judge a person’s worth by.
That being said, it’s been a long time coming, but after casting aside the people who I thought were friends, building up a repertoire of people that can do more than pass off as decent human beings has been a long hard road. But when you stick to your guns and endure for the sake of the better choice, sometimes, even a single person in the night can help you far more than you could on your own. For that, maybe there is something good about this road I’ve been taking after all.
Maybe I will never find enough friends to be the social animal I’ve always wanted. Maybe I’ll never be satisfied in my quest to build a world I can fit in rather than trying to fit into a world I know I can’t. Maybe I’ll never figure out how to deal with my violent mood swings that often accompanies this turbulent life is crisis and rewards. But perhaps, if I tried hard enough, there will always be people that can at least stand by me when the chips are down, if not to say the right words and the right things, but to take the brunt of whatever darkness I dish out.
It’s a little sad to know that my defining essence of a friendship boils down to this, but at this point I wouldn’t have it any other way. Anything for that company of people I so desperately seek. Because if you can’t have what you want, sometimes it’s always best to get what you need.