There are a million things on my mind at this moment, all of which would probably never see any light because I have no words to put them in. My thoughts, as chaotic and convoluted as they are, are far from being ones that readily expressed. The loss of my emotional outlet seems to have put a damper on my ability to connect with people and connect with myself.

So it comes this. Over a year ago, I became a proud member of 9rules. It was a moment few have dreamed off reaching. The pinnacle of quality blogging. A few months ago, they changed the face of 9rules so that normal people and the select few could mingle, it was addictive, but I should have realized sooner that formats that rely on a lot of social interactivity would always lead to popularity contests I could never win.

There is always a fine line between living the life that's real and immersing yourself in a world that you make real. For a long time, I've been doing the latter. Until recently, I've been balancing the two. Now, it's become obvious that the life that I lead takes precedence over the social activities I REALLY WANT to be a part off.

But I can't.

If there was a time I was known for being one of the rare individuals to be part of 9rules, that time has come and gone. Now, with the advent of the new and improved 9rules Ali2, how far the social interactivity/popularity contests go, I don't know where I stand. I do know however, that I'm still a part of 9rules even if the philosophy and principles have changed. As long as they will have me, I have no reason to leave.

It's unfair for me to ask much from them, I know. I haven't been part of it for a couple of months now, but maybe all the effort I've put before into socializing has to mean more than just the presence in itself. If it's unfair for me to ask for a little attention, maybe it's also unfair that I'm now a forgotten member because I don't spend time trying to keep up with all the notes that have been written. A little word from my peers that are part of the group, even if it's on my IM, would set my mind at ease. No such luck there.

Of course, I'm a minority in this case. Whether I'm Asian. In Australia. A non conformist. An guy. A personal blogger. All of which constitutes elements that oppose the mainstream, so it's not hard to see why I matter so little to the whole. There isn't much there to contribute, so there is no reason to mingle with. Cynical, I know. No one has ever proven me wrong on that yet.

So what will I do? Nothing at all. If I was selected to be a part of 9rules because I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I'm not afraid to show it, then the popularity contests would always be a luxury I can't afford. Wanting something and achieving them have always been two different things. As much as I try, I never seem to have that edge to be taken into account. At this point, there are far more pressing things in my life than wanting the love from people halfway around the world. Things that would take me further and further away from the socializing game.

So if I turn into a full fledged sociopath because of this, you'll know it started here and it's all your fault. Don't say I didn't try and warn you.