I’m in a melancholic mood today. I like to write about something thoughtful but as I would have it, my mind isn’t cooperating because…well…I’m in a melancholic mood today. So as I would have it, I’m here listening to songs that my ex and I used to listen and cuddle to and think back on the times that I should otherwise have let go while also pondering and worrying about friends who have their problems that I can’t do anything but sit and watch.
I think that’s a pretty good reason to be melancholic.
Then again, it isn’t so bad in a way to feel like this. Yes, I feel like crap and I would rather not feel like crap. Then again, it puts the perspective back from the mess that is the rest of the world back to what should matter right now. Me.
Yes yes, it sounds pretty selfish, but I haven’t thought much about me lately, at least the me that matters, which means I have been listening to some of you. For the most part, I’ve been running around doing things that’s right or doing things that need to be done without really wondering why they need to be done. The reality of it is that I bury myself in doing so many things in life to run away from my own life. The reality of it is…eventually I’m going to have to face all the things I need to face one way or another.
Whether I like it or not, it’s still there and no amount of work is going to make them disappear forever. There should be a checklist like that around here so let’s round off what I’m really running away from.
- The fact I am still in love with my ex and can’t move on till I find a reason to love someone else.
- The fact that I have to face my ex and the life I wish I could have from her but realizing that it’s not there anymore.
- The fact in a few weeks or months I’m going to have to find work and survive on my own terms out there in the world away from the comforts of still being educated in an instituition.
- The fact that I would have to bear with the constant banter of my parents for as long as I live under their roof.
It’s ironic that a person who spent most of his own definitive life in helping people out with figuring and moving on with their lives would find himself trying to be the best and above all else successful in the things he likes just to run away from the things that he would tell other people not to normally run away from. Then again life is not without its sense of fateful irony.
Maybe the task of all this seems daunting because for the most part, it’s hard to grasp the simplicity of my own issues when it would seem that I am dealing with them alone. Is it too hard to as a for a friend to help me stand by this? No…there are people who are willing to stand by me on this. At least I do hope I’m not imagining that there are people who are willing to stand by me on this. It’s just that most of them would be there when I do return to face the things I’m running away from.
So between now and then…I guess it’s ok for me to run away from what I’m so scared of facing. It’s ok to bury myself in the weight of needful things and the right things that should be done anyway. I mean what choice do I have in the matter? None.
Being practical as I am, I’ll just do what I can do right now and anything else, we’ll just deal with it later making sure I don’t lose track of what I’m supposed to be doing. After all, life goes on whether I stop living or not. So we might as well try to move along with life and see what else washes along the shores of reality. Today is another melancholic day, doesn’t mean that tomorrow can’t be a brand new day of something I can bury my head into and chug along the way. All the way.