The Regretful Choices That Has Yet To Happen

Kay messaged me yesterday after a long while to tell me her good news. Seeing that she’d been offered a promotion and if it falls through, she’d be the youngest manager in the history of the multi-million dollar company she works for. Not bad for someone in their late 20’s. Equally amazing for someone who’s never pursued an ambitious career in the first place. While her being her, she credits her fortune to someone “up there” liking her. Me being me, I credit her promotion to being at the right place at the right time.

Which makes me wonder. If she’s not that ambitious, where will my ambition take me?

I’ve been thinking of my future a lot these past few months. More so since I’m one foot out the door living it. In less than a year, I will have graduated with two degrees. Yet given what I originally planned to do with them, my ambitions are far from given a jump start. In these months, I have gone from pursuing a goal to living life as it comes. It’s a hard thing to do given that I have always planned my life step by step. Yet, I have received more opportunities pursuing nothing than I have actively reaching out for something…and that scares me

It scares me because I’ve always felt secure knowing I have complete control over my life. Not to say that the unexpected scares me, but I want to be assured that I know in 10 years time where I’ll be so that I can plan the next 10 years of my life. Give and take what life will undoubtedly throw at me, at least I know that’s the direction I’m heading.

I want power and the respect, love and fear that comes with it. That is and has always been my ambition. Yet given the life I have now, it’s hard to make choices to pursue that ambition with full respect. You can’t be partially aloof and ambitious at the same time. It doesn’t make any sense, at least to me. One way or another I’m going to have to make a choice between what I’ve always desired and what I’m beginning to discover. I thought I’ve had it all figured out in my life, but the future regrets are going to be a real bummer.

In 4 years time, where will I be in life? I don’t know. People like Kay show me that it’s alright to go with the flow. It should also console me to know that I want to be somewhere in life and that I actually have goals to achieve. But it scares the bejeezus out of me to know I’ve lost the ability to predict what I’ll do next. Good or bad. I don’t like not knowing what comes next. Not for a moment, not for anything in the world.

Tell me I’m not alone in this. Am I?

10 thoughts on “The Regretful Choices That Has Yet To Happen

  1. No, you are not alone, Ed. In about a year, I’d have graduated with my Master’s degree but that doesn’t mean I’ve got the next 5 or 10 years laid out in front of me. In fact, the more I’m climbing up the “academic ladder”, the more I realize that there’s really no such thing as “predicting what will happen in the next few years”. Opportunities come but once in a very long time so all we need to do is to be prepared for it.

  2. You’re not alone. I sometimes spend nights awake thinking about my future. I’ve found that the easiest thing to do is to plan for the future but to concentrate on your current situation. Stressing over the future might not bring any good. You focus too much on the future and you forget the current winds of time. I say its best to just go with it. 🙂

  3. Pelf: But don’t you at least know where you’re headed? Isn’t to be a Doctor part of your ambition somewhere?

    Sharina: Of course, let’s not forget the now. It’s just that I’m used to focusing on reaching that future from the now that when I don’t do it, I feel as if I’m missing something. Then I get rusty and things I used to be so good in forecasting, I can’t see it anymore,

  4. Life transitions are always fraught with stress. Years ago when I graduated with my teaching degree, I was in much the same position as you are now. Let the knowledge that you have your degree’s and many other positive things going on in your life, comfort you. It could always be worse…no training, no ambition, no skills.

  5. You have a point there. Appreciate what I have. Though its ambition that drives me to want more. Cautious that I am, I’m not going to step on places I don’t have any knowledge about.

  6. Success depends on a lot of factors, it’s probably a combination of being at the right place or time, knowing the right people, being recognized for your contributions, etc. Who knows? If we stick to our original plan, we wouldn’t discover more interesting things and have different enriching experiences 🙂

  7. But don’t you at least know where you’re headed? Isn’t to be a Doctor part of your ambition somewhere?

    Where I’m headed for and obtaining a Ph.D are two totally different things. At least that’s what I’ve found out. Sad, I know. And from where I’m standing right now, no, I’m not even sure whether obtaining a Ph.D is achievable (in the not-so distand future, that is)..

  8. MJ: Even if we stick to our goals, there is a lot that life can throw at us. That much I know. No road is finals, just the points where we have to go. What lies in between is always a mystery even to the last minute.

    Pelf: I guess, because ambition is what drives me, reaching that is part of my goals and where I am trying to head for. It’s all in the way when you know where you’re headed. 🙂

  9. Life would be very boring if we could predict everything. While it gives us a degree of comfort, we would tire easily of it. What if the future was dark? It would tarnish our present.

  10. Knowing that it is going to be bleak is the first step in making things a brighter place. Or so I was taught. It’s more of predicting what can happen and making the best for it should things go awry. It doesn’t mean we have lose focus on what we have at the moment.

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