Kay messaged me yesterday after a long while to tell me her good news. Seeing that she’d been offered a promotion and if it falls through, she’d be the youngest manager in the history of the multi-million dollar company she works for. Not bad for someone in their late 20’s. Equally amazing for someone who’s never pursued an ambitious career in the first place. While her being her, she credits her fortune to someone “up there” liking her. Me being me, I credit her promotion to being at the right place at the right time.
Which makes me wonder. If she’s not that ambitious, where will my ambition take me?
I’ve been thinking of my future a lot these past few months. More so since I’m one foot out the door living it. In less than a year, I will have graduated with two degrees. Yet given what I originally planned to do with them, my ambitions are far from given a jump start. In these months, I have gone from pursuing a goal to living life as it comes. It’s a hard thing to do given that I have always planned my life step by step. Yet, I have received more opportunities pursuing nothing than I have actively reaching out for something…and that scares me
It scares me because I’ve always felt secure knowing I have complete control over my life. Not to say that the unexpected scares me, but I want to be assured that I know in 10 years time where I’ll be so that I can plan the next 10 years of my life. Give and take what life will undoubtedly throw at me, at least I know that’s the direction I’m heading.
I want power and the respect, love and fear that comes with it. That is and has always been my ambition. Yet given the life I have now, it’s hard to make choices to pursue that ambition with full respect. You can’t be partially aloof and ambitious at the same time. It doesn’t make any sense, at least to me. One way or another I’m going to have to make a choice between what I’ve always desired and what I’m beginning to discover. I thought I’ve had it all figured out in my life, but the future regrets are going to be a real bummer.
In 4 years time, where will I be in life? I don’t know. People like Kay show me that it’s alright to go with the flow. It should also console me to know that I want to be somewhere in life and that I actually have goals to achieve. But it scares the bejeezus out of me to know I’ve lost the ability to predict what I’ll do next. Good or bad. I don’t like not knowing what comes next. Not for a moment, not for anything in the world.
Tell me I’m not alone in this. Am I?