People are inherently selfish. It’s not exactly a fault. We need to be. It’s a survival trait to take what you need for your own self in order to survive. But it is also the cause of my melancholy. The thorn that stands in my way of getting a grip on myself.
For a long time now, I have been unable to share my life with anyone. My thoughts and feelings constantly put aside, interrupted by people who see me as a vessel to rant to, to bitch to. I’m not saying that it’s a bad thing to rant to me. I love to hear what you have to say about your life. I love the fact that you are sharing the thoughts of your moments with me. Yet, whatever joy and sadness, whatever thoughts and opinions I would want to share gets constantly cut off by your constant expression of self.
I don’t like it. I don’t like when friends, when the majority of the people I bond with take advantage of a friendship only to ignore the fact that it is a one sided relationship. It’s not that they consciously do so, people are always selfish, that awareness of human nature prevents me from doing anything but respecting their need to do so.
Of course, it also means I am the bigger idiot. I let myself believe that listening to people provides a greater good than my own expression. I back down from pressing the matter when people stop listening because I don’t want them to ignore me. I rather let them “use” me for something than to be alone, never talked to because I won’t “listen” to them. The worst thing is that any one of you can tell me to stop hurting myself this way and get a grip of my own life. How many of you actually sat down and actually talked to me? You don’t have that right to tell me what I should do when you don’t let me share my life with you. Ironically…I have that right with every one of you whom you’ve spent hours ranting to…only if you’d shut up for once to listen to what I have to say.
The thing is, I’m angry enough about this that if I do let it out, whatever I say will be incoherent gibberish. There is just too much unsaid things on my mind, things I can’t blog about, things I need someone to share and talk to that I do no know where to start. So rather than just taking it out on the first person I see, I still keep it in. I still soldier on.
For what reason? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s to wait till they are done with their rants. Maybe it’s to wait until I find someone who would talk with me rather than just talking to me. Maybe it’s my own stupidity waiting to be realized by someone who can save me from myself. Either way, I need an outlet. If only for a moment in a day. I need an emotional outlet. There is only so much I can hold back before I crack and I wish it doesn’t come to that.
Everyone is selfish. I think it’s about time I be that too.