I contemplated not sleeping again last night. No not because I had work to do, which I have and I’m a little backlogged at the moment, but because of the dreams. Oh how do they not torment me every night especially in the past week.
I said it before, the reason why I took alot of odd tasks is simple. If I keep busy, I wouldn’t have to face the real things that I’m running away from. Maybe I have to add one more problem to that list – the realization that I am or at least feel that I am alone. Because if it’s any indication of recurring dreams, dreaming about all the ex’s you’ve actually loved for over a week in a row isn’t just a mere coincidence, it’s just something I haven’t figured out yet.
I guess in those dreams…it wasn’t about what we did before. It was just about…what we meant to each other, what they meant to me…what I miss most about them. Looking back at my life and all that’s worth a salt in terms of social bonds between people, who they were to me, it meant a hell lot.
Because if anything, I’m a person driven by needs. Something gets done because it needs to be done not because it’s wanted. In the same way I’m strong because I need to be strong, not for myself but for the people who need me to be there. What they meant in my life was a reason to want to be strong, not for them…no…but for myself. They represented the sheer wants in my life that nothing to do with needful things because without wants…you can still survive, but without wants…you can never live.
Of all the women that have came and went in my life, she was the ultimate want. The one that represented everything a person could be in life. Good and evil, joy and misery, pleasure and pain. She rewrote the book and dared to remove the cancerous shadow that has always walled up my own heart. Of course…the sad thing is, you don’t always get what you want.
So if it’s any indication in my dreams, all my dreams, everything that has been going on in my sleep for the past week is the fact my brain is telling me this is what it needs right now, something I have been missing in my life for quite a while now. The company of a person I can trust myself so freely without the shadow of a doubt. Because when you allow yourself to be so completely open to a person…it changes you. It always has. Maybe that change is what I need right now.
As I said, the sad thing in life is that you don’t always get what you want, but then…sometimes when you try just hard enough. You get what you need.