I don’t like surprises. Especially when they involve formerly close people who disappear from my life only to turn up in front of my door unannounced. It isn’t about the appearance that should be appreciated. It’s about the untold spontaneity that makes the presence unwelcomed. If anything, prepared with a solitary mindset for the weekend, how do you not expect me to be distant?
Then again, distance isn’t without a reason. Losing people who were my emotional bonds only results in me closing off the parts of me that would care. Not because I don’t care, but because at the end of it, I still need to protect myself. I am not strong. I was never strong. If I portrayed any of that in my words or actions, it would only be because I became good at holding back the pain. Enduring the moments that made me want to curl up in a corner and throw up. My strength has paradoxically been my cowardice to face my pain. It doesn’t make it go away, but I take more of it because I know how to bottle it up.
So yes, I prefer not to have you around, not because I don’t like you but because given my current condition at this time, at this moment, I am not strong enough to hold back the pain of losing someone I once depended on to share my emotional secrets. For things to work at this moment, I need to be the machine I once was. The unwavering emotional void that mirrors the coldness of metal and the practicality of logic.
Maybe in time, things will change. But for now, I prefer not to see you. If only to get things done. If only to forget I once had someone to talk to. Someone who no longer is part of my life.