Walking The Depressed Road

No matter how much you try to keep it under wraps beneath all the work and all the jokes, you can’t hide melancholy forever. Maybe that’s the thing about being too busy, with all the effort it takes to act like you’re a functional capable individual, eventually your mental reserves aren’t going to last very long.

Yes I know I’m probably repeating myself over and over again with posts like these that tell you that I’m not happy, but that only means that nothing has changed. I know what I’m saying when I say that I don’t need professional help and I don’t want more advices on how I should run my life. It’s not that hard to just start a conversation with me that has nothing to do with asking for help. I know some of you have started doing so and for that, even if it’s out of the realization that I am lonely, I thank you for it.

I know it’s hard to grasp the paradox that I’m comfortable with my depression, that I have accepted that my life isn’t going to be an optimistic one. Walking on a road that tosses around self-destructiveness and morbid actions like it was an everyday thing isn’t going to win you many friends, worse yet is dealing with the people who glorify it like a lifestyle.

What you have to understand is that you don’t have to understand it to be my friend, you just have to know that it’s what makes me who I am as a friend.

So while I find myself another reason to be melancholic, you’d have to ask yourself. Could you see past that moody state I’m in and disregard it just to talk to me like any normal person?

Or does it really bother you to see me walk the thin line between sanity and madness that you either want to force me to get some help or not talk to me at all for the fear that you will fall into the same pit I’m in?

Maybe the question should be, how much of a friend do you see in me? Maybe that much, is the reason I’m always melancholic.

19 thoughts on “Walking The Depressed Road

  1. well.. so if i dunno what problem u had gone throu, i wont care about what happen to u rite? this mean i can friend to u rite?? haha..

    Friends are those who want to be friends with u.. Hi there.. I’m Jing, im a friend of everyone.. haha.. nice to meet u ..

  2. Maybe the real question is: how much of a friend do you see in yourself? If you can’t see yourself as anyone’s friend, then you should evaluate your positions and take a hard look at what is wrong in your life that’s keep YOU from being other people’s friends.

    That said, you ARE a friend – as much as this strange digital vortex, that people from across the world talk to each other, will allow.

  3. You are a friend, even though we don’t talk much anymore.

    You’re someone who can be trusted, someone who is simply sincere and honest. And you always lend a willing ear, even if you don’t always get one in return.

    Thanks for being a friend.

  4. Are you always that serious?
    Or is it merely the way you express yourself? C’mon, let it out. Throw caution to the wind…. just blah out what’s bothering you! Can? 🙂

  5. Jing: It’s about knowing, but not putting emphasis on it as if I’m going to fall apart. Some things can be taken with a pinch of salt and a touch of concern, but not on the same level in which people treat others that have gone over the edge.

    Daniel: I see myself as everyone’s friend. As much as they want me to be. As much as they allow me to be. If of course they allow me to be. Like you said, it’s as much as situations allow. From where I stand, there seems little opportunities to flex that muscle. That being said. Thanks for being a friend as well.

    Pat: Thanks. That’s the problem. I like to talk. I can’t just blog about what’s in my mind and get away with it. Half the time at least, it’s like having a conversation with a blank wall. I miss talking to people. I miss the connection, even on this blog.

    Helen: I joke easier the longer people know me and some things should never throw caution and be left to the wind. Of course though writing a blog leaves little room for the intimacy between two people that I want. Just the intimacy of my own mind and that will almost always be serious.

    Cerebralmum: Thanks. In a world that’s not reasonable, we just have to make the best of it, in the best way we know how.

  6. I understand your message.
    Friends like to help one another and when they extend that help continuously and see that the person doesn’t want to take it, some give up. Sad but it happens. Some people are afraid of being brought down by others, they may have their own issues to deal with and don’t do it out of malice. When you really care for someone and can do nothing but watch them self destroy, it starts to destroy part of you. And when you get attached to people, you don’t want to get up one morning and find them gone, forever.

  7. OK, since you asked..
    You are the kind of person I’d like to keep as a friend. You’re the kind of person I’d like to know better, to hand out with, to talk things about, to learn things from. You’re the kind of person I wouldn’t mind spending 4 weekends in a row with.

    But it’s this kind of posts that keep me away because I personally don’t like to read something very personal from bloggers. So one of the reasons I don’t respond to your melancholic posts is because I don’t fancy them. But it could be a blessing in disguise as well. If I don’t know that much about you (inside), that leaves us with more things to talk about when we finally meet, and become real friends, no?

    *hugs*

  8. ChickyBabe: Friendship isn’t always based on extended help, nor is it always dependent on good moods. At least, that’s what I try and believe in, which isn’t always the case. There has to be more of the focal point than just the person’s dark side. If there is good in that and if people mean the good things that they say, then perhaps some self destructiveness isn’t worth dwelling on if you know they have the strength to snap out of it. Sometimes I wish that more people believe in their friends enough to stand by the good they say they have rather than push to change the bad they always see in them.

    Pelf: That is sad then because regardless of location or medium, I’d consider people that are willing to accept the life that I share with, my friends. It’s the reason why people I trust and know best have always been people I have yet to even meet, because there is an understanding there that some things transcend superficial patter. Of course though, everyone is entitled to what they believe in. Sorry you have to feel that way.

  9. Want to compare symptoms?
    Do you have racing thoughts…thats what I woke up too.
    Do you wake numerous times during the night…The dog farting wakes me up.
    Medication is a good thing…better living through Chemistry…haven’t you said that before?

  10. I don’t recall ever saying that. If anything, I have said never ever to rely on drugs, especially for states of minds.

  11. You said it Kami, “if you know they have the strength to snap out of it”, and in some cases where it’s extreme, you don’t know that they do and what they’re capable of doing to themselves.

  12. Oops sorry…Lizzie my better half pointed out the incident that resulted in my spiral. I believe it was a story entitled Plastic Ocean…Be careful it was a truly depressing article…and another example that demonstrates that “better living through chemistry” is a bad thing.

  13. To me it sounds like you are the one that makes your life miserable. I’ve never talked to you before so I can’t comment on how much of a friend that I see in you. However, I don’t think it’s important if people see you as a friend or not as long as you see yourself as their friend. I don’t care if people don’t like me, it’s their choice, their problem. I’ll try to help them to the best of my ability but if they reject me then too bad.

    It’s ok to be moody and gloomy since it is you. You don’t have to pretend to be happy when you are not. Those who are comfortable to be with you even if you are not sane is your true friend. That’s why just be yourself. If they don’t like you then they are not your friend. It’s as simple as that. Friend is the one that is always with you even if they say they don’t like your melancholy or they don’t get you. If you can’t be yourself in front of your friend that means you don’t see them as your friend, it means that you don’t trust them.

  14. ChickyBabe: That’s why in the end, what’s left is to trust them. To always trust them to know that they’ll come out of it.

    Kalz: There are bigger things than worrying about than whether people like you or not. Bigger responsibilities than wanting favours to be returned for the sake of friendship. If you think that it’s a primary concern (not to be concerned), then we’ll leave it at that. Working your way through life on the other hand, juggling needs, wants and obligations without the someone to watch your back. Now that’s not just self imposed misery. That’s a whole different ballgame altogether.

  15. Yes, I think it is possible to live a melancholic, sad, depressed lonely life, if you do not have responsility towards none.
    if you do not have to worry about lodging and feeding.
    it can be ro mantis to live a melancholic life, if you do not have to worry about anything.

    However, i like your expressions.

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