I wonder when did it come to the point where people I talk to only talk to me when they need that help or that unique opinion that I always give? What point in my life did I become the walking troubleshooter for a lot of things people do? I wonder what point in my life I stopped living for myself and started surviving for other people?

It always gets lonely when you realise a lot of people don't miss you or bother to even strike up a normal conversation with you unless they want something they know you can do. It always gets lonely when people see you for what you can do rather than who you are. It always gets lonely when the people who want you to consider friends don't even stop by to ask how you are doing.

Not even once in a blue moon.

When I look at all the people on my msn list who I have ever talked to over the past few years, it's becoming extremely obvious that a lot of relationship on that list don't last long. In fact…conversations last as long as they have problems. When they find something else, someone else to rely one or when the cause for problems are gone and done…the only greeting they will give me back is silence.

I suppose I brought it on myself in many ways. It's hard to have a life when all you do is to put the other people ahead of yourself and expect people to do the same for you. It's hard to stop doing that when all your life, you always wanted to be known for something and not just taken for granted for what you can do. It's hard for people to know you when you drop all your problems are the first moment you know they have something on their mind.

Why do I push myself so much?

I don't know.

All I know is…between what I need to do and what I want to do, there is no middle ground of choices. It's either one way or another and each have their own consequences. I can't survive knowing I had the power to make a difference and I didn't take it and I can't live knowing I dedicated the rest of my existance to making sure the people I care for don't hurt more than thy should.

I guess there is a no brainer there.

I choose to survive.

Living will come in its own good time.

But between now and then…it doesn't feel any better to be walking where I'm walking.

Not even once in a blue moon.