Wanting Needs…

I wonder when did it come to the point where people I talk to only talk to me when they need that help or that unique opinion that I always give? What point in my life did I become the walking troubleshooter for a lot of things people do? I wonder what point in my life I stopped living for myself and started surviving for other people?

It always gets lonely when you realise a lot of people don’t miss you or bother to even strike up a normal conversation with you unless they want something they know you can do. It always gets lonely when people see you for what you can do rather than who you are. It always gets lonely when the people who want you to consider friends don’t even stop by to ask how you are doing.

Not even once in a blue moon.

When I look at all the people on my msn list who I have ever talked to over the past few years, it’s becoming extremely obvious that a lot of relationship on that list don’t last long. In fact…conversations last as long as they have problems. When they find something else, someone else to rely one or when the cause for problems are gone and done…the only greeting they will give me back is silence.

I suppose I brought it on myself in many ways. It’s hard to have a life when all you do is to put the other people ahead of yourself and expect people to do the same for you. It’s hard to stop doing that when all your life, you always wanted to be known for something and not just taken for granted for what you can do. It’s hard for people to know you when you drop all your problems are the first moment you know they have something on their mind.

Why do I push myself so much?

I don’t know.

All I know is…between what I need to do and what I want to do, there is no middle ground of choices. It’s either one way or another and each have their own consequences. I can’t survive knowing I had the power to make a difference and I didn’t take it and I can’t live knowing I dedicated the rest of my existance to making sure the people I care for don’t hurt more than thy should.

I guess there is a no brainer there.

I choose to survive.

Living will come in its own good time.

But between now and then…it doesn’t feel any better to be walking where I’m walking.

Not even once in a blue moon.

5 thoughts on “Wanting Needs…

  1. You almost provided your own answer, I think. You brought it on yourself not so much by anything you do but the persona you adopt. You seem to relish the role of the melancholic trouble-shooter, so can you honestly fault others for taking you at face value? I hardly know you except through your blog and even then my impression is you’re PERPETUALLY down in the dumps. Not exactly the guy I want to invite to a party. But just the guy to turn to when I have problems of my own. See what I mean? I guess there’s no right or wrong here. People reap what they sow. I read life blogs that are happy one day, sad the next, which is real, and then I read yours which is always sad, but also equally real. So, buddy, who do you want to be?

  2. i came online now because i need to talk to you….. but after reading this i feel guilty somehow….. have i not cared for you? was it always abt what i can get from you?

  3. Tormentt: That’s the sad thing really. I know I’m not a party kinda guy, it’s just not my style. But that’s where good friends come in…people who do the same thing to me like what I would do for them…take them out and help them be what they cannot be alone. I really appreciate people who do that for me. Take time to just ask how I’m doing and help me out. I already am who I am. Nothing can change that. It’s just in the face of other people…I can at least be more than I could be alone. That’s what I try to do. That’s what has always been done.

    Honey: Nah…it’s not you. You care for me and always get frustrated when you realise you can’t do anything much for me. That’s different. I’m just talking about the people who have a hi/bye relationship with me unless they have a problem they know I can at least relate to.

  4. Like you, I felt the same way. I am always a pleaser, people could bend me anyway they wanted (unless it has to do with my principles). I would go all out to help my friends. Some had remain my loyal friends, and some didn’t make me feel appreciated. But does that change the way I am? No, I think God has a purpose for people like us. Maybe that’s to make the world a better place.

    Everybody is their own unique person. Whether or not you want to remain the same, or change for the better, it’s your call.

  5. Mindy: I always believed that all of us can never change. We are all who we are alone. It is through the people and the environment we are with that gives a chance for us to be better or worse than we originally are and more than we can be. Without it…we people to be by us, we can never see past what we have. Though I do agree with you…we’re here for a reason…even if it’s at least to make sure the whole world doesn’t go to hell so fast.

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