“I curse the day I knew you. Because you’re the only person I want and can never have.”
How does one really respond to that? Damned if I knew. There is so much you can do as a friend. There is only so much you can do when you’re the cause of her feeling that way. There is only so much you can do when somewhere in that small part of yourself, you’re glad that she’s feeling that way after what she did to you.
Then again, you can’t really blame me can you? Who wouldn’t feel the least bit vindictive when you’ve been hurt to the point where you had the scars to show for it? Who wouldn’t feel a little vengeful when you felt that you’ve been mocked and insulted too many times by other people for something right that no one else could see. Who wouldn’t be glad that after too long…you can look her in the eye from a place where you’re free from the things that held you back.
Then Mel looked at me, smiled her smile and whispered to me this.
“It’s alright to be vindictive, I would too. But at the end of it, she’s your friend and your ex, you know her better than anyone. If the positions were reversed. If you were where she was and if she was in a better place, what would you want her to say to you?”
I thought of all the times when I was halfway between insanity and the darker place after the breakup. I thought of all the things that people said which didn’t matter because I wanted the words to come from one person. I thought of all the times where I spent my time alone because she wasn’t there. I thought of it all and remembered what I wanted in those desperate times – the voice from the only person that I thought could make that weight a little less a burden to carry.
It’s alright to be vindictive, but that isn’t going to win any brownie points for anyone. She needed a friend and she needed me to say something even though it isn’t going to make her feel any better. So I replied back with the only thing I could say.
“I’ll always be there for you. Sometimes we want what we can’t have, doesn’t mean we can’t make the best of what we already have. It’s going to be alright. It’ll always be alright at the end.”
And everything will be alright at the end. It’s just that this time, its your turn to face that darkness. At least this time…you have a choice not to go through what you did to me. Not while I’m still the better person in this game.