I’m losing a lot of things in my life. Memories, opportunities, life, sanity. I haven’t had a decent sleep in the past two weeks and all that I’ve been up to is tossing and turning for hours on end just thinking of where I’ll be going and what I’ll be doing in the years to come.
Uncertainty and fear of the unknown. I feel as lost a teenager placed in an adult world not knowing where to go and what to do. I’ve been doing everything I have to survive for so long, I forgot what I want out of things, which doesn’t make much of a difference because in the line which I have walked on, getting what I want isn’t something that happens. Period.
Still…where to go from here? I have no idea. I like to be somewhere else but as my position would put me, that place can’t be reached from my present point. All that I can do is again…what I need to do to survive. Is this the rest of my life? To survive however you can, not live for what you want? I really have no idea.
Given what I can do now, it’s hard to say for sure what 3 months down the road will look like for me, let alone 1 year or even 5 years down the line. What I can say is that I still have things I need to do and as scared as I am, as tired and worn out as I am, as much as my sanity can bear, whatever I do still will get done.
It’s a matter of what other price I have to pay to see that they are done. It’s a matter of what other things in life I have to watch pass me by to get what I need. It’s a matter of how many more sleepless nights I can bear before I either collapse from exhaustion or lose the rest of my sanity altogether. Somehow with that future unknown and what I know comes next…losing my sanity isn’t such a bad idea after all.