Can someone who’s in love with another person be in a relationship with someone else? I guess I should know better to a question like that, seeing that it’s usually my job to deal with things like this. The sad thing is that for the most part…anything is possible…which means as much as I would like to think of it as something that shouldn’t happen, the reality is that it happens. Quite obviously in my face.
Yes…I know it’s been more than a year, but there is not a part of me that feels sad and happy at once everytime I manage to strike a conversation with her. Not a part of me that doesn’t flashback to the times when we would be together. Not a part of me that doesn’t still scream at the world when she turned around and walked away.
It doesn’t help that I know that she still loves me…somewhere in the heart she walled up once again. The times she admitted she was wrong about her hiding from the world. The moments she tell me how much she misses me. The hints saying she’s jealous of me. Come on, I’m going on one date…you’re in a relationship with someone else. People don’t get jealous over that unless it’s over something or someone the truly desired.
Which is where my great big dilema lies. You see, when you have been in a relationship so deep and so consuming as what I had even if it was for a brief moment, things like that, experiences like that stay with you for the rest of your life. You may be able to move on but you can never let go. Even if you do move on, it’s always reluctantly and in truth…you’re just hiding what you truly feel from the world in order to show that you’re able to function with it.
Maybe I haven’t moved on because she can’t let me go. Maybe I can never move on until I have back what was lost. People always tell me that time heals all. They lie. Wounds like this never heal, they burn with you for the rest of your life until somone comes along and carefully mend the wounds. Maybe I can never move on until I find another reason to love someone else.
It’s just sad that the catch-22 here is that the way I feel and act right now isn’t going to be an attractive quality for any girl. Which is probably the real answer to the question “If I’m that nice a person, why am I still single?”. Why can’t be life be simple? Because no one said it was going to be easy. Because at end of it, we’re the ones that make it hard on ourselves for whatever reason we cling on to. That is the price we pay for being human. That is the price we pay for having the ability to feel.
This is the price I pay for giving myself so completely to a person and changed everything in my life. Some things in life are worth the lifetime of misery it gives. Misery or not, I don’t look back in regret. Misery or not, for those moments I truly lived, it was worth it. Every single moment of it.