Well. Apparently, I've been officially nominated for the Asian Youth Ambassadors Most Outstanding Youth of the Year 2008 award. What turned out to be a partial joke on behalf of the people that nominated me has now moved up to something a little more serious.

Regardless of how I see my life and how ego-centric the perceptions of my own world is, I doubt I set myself up as an "outstanding person". Awesome, maybe. Brilliant, probably. Clinically insane, most definitely. But outstanding? You guys know me right? I'm the least outstanding person of the bunch. You know with my demeanor, I could stand in a crowd and disappear in the thick of it, simply because I am that unremarkable.

I grew up believing that there was always a difference between being great and being outstanding. Anyone can be great. Any one of us can be special. The unique traits and qualities that define us, gives us the chance to be spectacular the way we should be. The same can't be said for being outstanding.

Not all traits lead down that road. Not all of us have the ability to make an obvious impact in the world around us. In a world that is a stage, there are two kinds of people. Those that are on the stage, regardless of whether they are star of the show or the supporting props. And there are those behind that stage. The crew, the designers, the producers and the director.

I've always belonged to the people behind that stage. Being the best at what I can be by making stars shine. No less important, but no more than what I am. There is a reason why we're not standing on that stage. We just are better at doing other things. It's a matter of being true to yourself and doing extraordinary things with ordinary abilities. You can't get any more satisfaction out of life than that regardless of whether you stand on that pedestal or not.

Still. It doesn't mean that I won't see how far it goes. I don't expect to go all the way. It's just that it's a hoot to have gone this far. So no harm in seeing it to the end. Even if you know you're not deserving. Sometimes it's good to fantasize that you're more than you know you are and get more than you deserve.

They say that life isn't fair. I say why do we have to look at that sentence like it was a bad thing all the time.

We all change. That's a given. For better or for worse, we either change ourselves as a result of the world around us, or the world around us changes to a point where it recognises us as something different. It's something we cannot hide away from.

As individuals, how we change determines the series of events in our lives. The responsibility that we take and the results that play out. For the most part, it affects us and a small part of the life around us. Everything else is swept away in the ever shifting tides of life, becoming part of the background series of events that most people pay no attention to.

Yet what happens when two lives that are bonded by the compatibility of the moment begin to change?

Whether it be friendship or love, no longer does that change affect just us. When two worlds overlap, change can always throw that compatibility out of balance. People can be torn between keeping what they have grown comfortable with or reaching out and becoming what they have grown to be. Change on one or both sides can lead to the eventual separation as roads diverge apart from one another. Maybe for friendships which come and go, that thought isn't so bad. But for a love that has become your world, could any one of us so easily accept those changes and move on?

Logically and inevitably, we have to accept them. We have to accept that we either have to change to keep complementing our partners or we drift apart and let go. In a way, the prospect seems so…out of control. That the choices you have rarely are the ones you like. But when you reach that point in the relationship when you know both of you are in love, you have to realise that it isn't about you anymore. It isn't about you making the sacrifices. It's also about them contending with same choices as well. It's also about them making their own sacrifices at the same time.

If both sides realise this simple selfless act of devotion. If both of realise that you aren't doing this for yourself or for the other, but for each other, then maybe change isn't so bad. You just have to realise that you'd be taking a completely different route in life. One that holds things you probably haven't seen or experienced before. The best thing about it is, when you both change together, for each other, you'll keep sharing those new experiences. Never alone to face them.

How can you say then, that change in a relationship would most likely be a bad thing?

Through the fire, and ice, and rage, and storm, and night.

Some days, the only thing that keeps me going is the love of a person, for a person, that isn't here with me.

And God, was never ever part of that equation.

Now that is what you call true faith.

There comes a point where even the most cynical, depressed and pessimistic of us become tired of looking at ourselves in the mirror. More so when it has become all you can express in yourself. When you have nothing good to say and if you're trying your best not to lash out at a world so filled with an unusual amount of problem, there really isn't much to say after that.

So what do you say when the only outlet you have becomes the center of your own tired melancholy?

It's not like ranting the same things over and over again makes any difference. It's not like anyone is listening nor are they offering to distract you from your own problems. Is it so hard to believe that I get worse because I don't have anyone else but Mel to talk to and my blog to rant at? No one was built for this kind of isolation or at least no one could stay emotionally functional with this level of solitude.

Yet the days still remain the same. Conversations happen not because it's wanting, but because something is needed. Friendships are made not out of the company of peers but the usefulness of the moment. Whatever good there was in the world, it isn't enough to redefine it to the way most people know it. So I live in perpetual darkness, hating that very existence, yet simultaneously putting it to good use, not for what's wanted, but for what is responsible.

Maybe there is nothing good to talk about because there is nothing good that can be seen from it. Just the endless road filled with mines you thread around. Could you hate a life that you've learned to be so dependent on?

It certainly feels that way right now.

1. When you don't know what life means anymore to you, "running on empty" may perhaps be the best way to describe a world devoid of purpose or direction, joy or pain, dream scapes or nightmares.
2. Outlets in every way are forms of comfort to ease the burden of the mind. Take that away and the mind bears the weight of the issues. There is only a certain amount of weight the mind can take before it snaps.
3. Is it easier to pretend that the people around you want you around because they are your friends or is it easier to swallow the reality that people only want you around because you have some use to them? Desperation for some form of company, any form of company does play its part in making that choice.
4. As deadlines approach even closer, the realization that a year past, is catching up. Sooner or later all the cards would have to be laid out on the table. And even then, a good poker face might not be enough to win this all or nothing game.
5. There is an emptiness here and now. One not born from apathy or futility, but one born from the simple buzz that fills your ears. The same one that so desperately fights to stay alive. And nothing else matters, save for the simple choice of deciding or not whether you will never wake up again, or live to see another sunrise and another empty day that has to be done.

Doing a "Chickybabe" refers to doing a list of random thoughts and is named in honour of ChickyBabe who awed me with her style of writing, especially when she did her set of random thoughts which this is named after.