It's become apparent to me that a lot of you seem to have missed a few key ingredients to the way I'm acting. While its understandable since no one possibly pays attention to this blog all the time, it is at least much more decent of you to ask why I'm feeling more than a little loopy, rather than go on and on about your own thoughts on the matter.

So at the risk of repeating things again, I'm doing this for both your benefit and mine. Yours, so that it becomes clear to you why my mood swings are all over the place. Mine, so that I don't have to hear your selfless opinion based on information you assumed to be true.

1. Mel is not here. I am in Australia. She is in Malaysia. This arrangement will continue for as long as is needed for her to apply for an Australian permanent residency.
2. Contrary to popular belief. There is nothing wrong with the relationship between Mel and me. We're an odd pair. Doesn't mean we're in trouble. It just means we're happy in our own way, not yours.
3. I am up to an earful in things to do with very little time to relax. Many a times, I will be seen doing 3 needful things to do at one go. This is an increasing strain.
4. Seeing that I am usually very busy. I do not have time to socialise like a normal person. I do not have the time nor can I make the time because of shifting priorities of the moment.
5. People have lives of their own as well. Do not assume that I don't want to socialise with people. We all have different schedules. I don't fit into anyone's book.

So there we have it. If you put the stress of work, the lack of a social outlet together and an already fragile mind, you're going to have something that snaps. It's easy to give an advice when you don't walk on the same road. It's harder to give company and comfort when you think people expect practical solutions to emotional problems. Sometimes the best thing to offer to a friend is an ear and an acknowledgement that you have been paying attention.

I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had been given that to begin with?

Given that I'm feeling a little under the weather, I don't think shock therapy is the best course of action given what I've been through this week. Though there is one question I begs to be asked.

This is a joke right?

No really. I'm flattered and and all that, but there are plenty of people out there more deserving than a guy who lives his own life the way he sees it. It is in selfless altruism that humanity shines its greatest deeds, one I do not wear let alone with pride.

But the sentiment is appreciated nonetheless and I thank you for it. Deeply.

The hardest part of making friends for people like me is in admitting that we need to look beyond what we normally look for. As with any relationships between people, sometimes it's in not nitpicking what you find that leads to finding what you can't nitpick. While I've worked that out in my love for women, I've yet to put that together with my appreciation for companionship.

It still doesn't mean I won't stick to the common ground that all friendships are built on. Just that I shouldn't sweat the heavy stuff until it matters. Give it time and all seeds bear their fruit. A perfect analogy for a person who doesn't eat many fruits to begin with.

What I can't figure out is what do I do when I need a good hug now? Do I have to wait till tomorrow to find out?

My mood swings are getting more erratic. More a life of their own than anything else. If these thoughts become a full blown alternate personality, I know I'm in need of some serious help. Then again, this was no different than my teenage years where I did have another side to myself. It's just that this time, that other side has grown a little smarter and much more dangerous. Not wanting to mess around with it, I rather have it under wraps than leaving a trail of havoc that cost me the best parts of my life again.

Yet it's still a part of me I can't deny, whatever it can do, it's still a part of me that's managed to climb to the very top and keep climbing regardless of what gets thrown my way. People spend their whole life trying to find their real self. When I found this, reconciling who I am and what I've become was perhaps the longest and most troublesome thing in my life to do. Now out here without the company of my peers again, I have to try and do the same thing.

I don't know if it's something I can do on my own terms. People have said that I need to go out and meet real people. It's not that I don't want to. It's that I feel too far gone to start building a chance relationship from scratch. I want to tell the world everything, but I know that world isn't readily accepting of this state of mind. It's hard enough controlling these thoughts by myself, it's harder still to keep it at bay in the presence of another person I desperately want to connect with. You can't build bridges that way when you scare every potential friend in sight. It pushes me to rely more on that mirrored self because I have no one else to turn to. Every rejection, every moment of silence is a reason to turn to him.

If there are days when I don't have any solution to the problem, that would be now. It's not everyday that I am at the end of my rope. But telling you is a start. Where this ends, I don't think any one of us will know.

Sometimes I do not know which is the lesser of two evils.

The over-active feelings of abandonment and isolation.

Or the meticulous thoughts of seemingly random murder and bloodshed to cover up the feelings of abandonment and isolation.

Some days I feel as thought my life is a chapter in a very dark book, whose story can only end in a Shakespearean tragedy where everyone dies, including myself. It's not without a certain hidden pleasure that I would have permanently silenced the demons that have long plagued my waking thoughts and occasionally my nightly dreams. Demons than walk and laugh in my reality, a reminder of what I lost and a testament what made me the way I am now. It is not without a peaceful certainty that my final bloody moments would make some sort of difference to a world I could never ignore, a world I wanted to change at all cost.

It's odd how I can write this down without so much the anger and frustration as I'm normally used when writing things like this. I understand now why the people that walked the same road did the things they did. It's part fear, part anger, part purpose, part fate and part destiny. They wanted to make a difference and they didn't know any other way aside from what they did. I understand that and in so many ironic ways, I empathise that.

It calls to me too. Those thoughts. That road. It calls to me like a sirens song bathed in the blood of all that have made our lives, complete. If I knew no other way, I would walk that road as you all have. I would cut the final strings of my sanity and run naked through the fire that will be my own making. If I knew no other way…but I do.

It's why there hasn't been a trail of blood in my wake. Why all this time it was about rebuilding what we destroy than simply be the instrument of their destruction. We want the world to change in a way they could never ignore us. So this time they will. I will pay the price for it as all of us have, but there will be change we wanted, if not the seeds sown for that change. There is another way to our "madness" and I will not turn my back at the opportunity, not just yet.

It gives me a great measure of peace to know that I will have my pounds of flesh and blood in return, though it irks me to realise that it won't be any time soon. What's left goes back to those frequent thoughts of two evils. One reminding me of the road I have taken before. One reminding me of the road I would soon take. Both hanging by a thread of logic and rationality behind empty eyes you pass by every single day unawares.

What fun it will be when you will soon know.