Letters From The Past

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t see you online without talking to you. I can’t stand not talking to you. I can’t stand not seeing you. I can’t stand being alone.I can’t stand not being able to be with you. I cant stand not being able to say I love you and have it said back to me whole-heartedly.

I do miss you and I do mean I really really miss you. But I suppose it’s the same as choosing between Jean Claude and Richard. Even by choosing either way we lose. But good thing is we are no triumvirate now isn’t it? Oh well…

I suppose since there is not much difference of us not talking anyway, I should just take your name out of all the instant message program. It causes too much heartache to see your name come online with cutsie messages that is not meant for me or photos of you with someone else. I suppose it’s only fair to let you know. I planned not to write but decided against it. It’s still your right.

I suppose when I said “let’s just be friends” I didn’t think that I was the one who cannot handle it. You are the one that moved on. You know you have. You should be proud.”

That was almost 3 years ago. Save for one off text messages and phone calls in the middle of the night, and the brisk greeting a few weeks back, we haven’t really spoken. The sad thing about losing the one you love is that at the end of it, you really don’t know where you should place the memories you still treasure. By right, I should be tossing them away, writing this off as a past I cannot reclaim. Yet at the same time, I have to acknowledge that past as being a part of what makes me the person I am now. It’s a fine balance and I guess I figured out a way to stand in the middle.

Of course she is right. I have moved on and despite my occasional reminiscence of the past, I am happy with what I have and who I have become. It’s never something I’ve felt proud to be, just something that needed to be done. If there was a small sense of vindictiveness in my part, I would say that knowing she regretted giving me up would have been a petty consolation, but I could never be petty to her no matter what she did to me. That much forgiving I was, that much in love with her I still am.

The only thing that I can do now is hope, wherever she stands now, whatever she does, whoever she is with, she’ll be as happy and as content I am right now. That much of me knows she deserves it. I wish one day, she realises that herself as well.

2 thoughts on “Letters From The Past

  1. When a relationship is over, staying ‘just friends’ means ‘let’s not hate one another’. It can’t be a true friendship from both sides. Someone will always want more as the feelings left behind are not equal. People who claim they stay friends with all their exes are afraid to let go of something and hang on to more than just a memory.

  2. That may be true Cléa. It’s just sad that some things can’t go bad to before the relationship start out. At least the connection that was there before mistakes were made. That being said, I do know ex’s who have a solid friendship in the years after following the breakup. Maybe it’s not about holding on to memories past, but living for something more in the future. People do grow up in time. Sometimes we have to wait for them to catch up.

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