Take All You Can’t Leave Behind

“If I had a choice, I wouldn’t leave your side. If I had a choice, I’d watch over you the same way you watched over me when I was doing my honours. If I had a choice, I would do whatever I can to take away the pain from you.”

“But you don’t have a choice don’t you?”

“No I don’t. That’s why the hardest thing for me now is to know I’m leaving. The hardest thing for me to realize is how much you mean to me. The hardest thing right now is to know that I love you.”

“Knowing who you love isn’t the hardest thing, neither is knowing how much they mean to you or how much you care for them. The hardest thing is knowing that they have to face the world they fear without the people they care for by their side. The hardest thing is knowing you can do something about it but can’t.”

With that, she cried and cried for a long time until she slept in my arms. For the first time in weeks, I put all the nightmares, all the voices, all the burdens aside and be exactly what I was for her. The source of strength and comfort. I couldn’t be anything less than that. Not for now and definitely not for her.

She left this morning on the early flight out to Sydney on her way back to Malaysia. What little extra time we had together thanks to a flight delay did nothing to absolve the thoughts of my own impending trials ahead.

I was never good with goodbyes and I doubt I’ll ever be. If anything it ended with kiss only absence can create and a promise that she will be back and I will still be here waiting for her, no matter what it costs. We will see each other again, even if that time is uncertain. I can only hope that I have enough strength to survive what’s coming on my own. Never changing who I am. Never sacrificing the reasons for being here.

Never giving up. One moment at a time.

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