It’s odd how within the space of a few years, you go from being a kid yourself to wanting kids of your own. Naturally that scares the living daylights out of anyone. After all, none of us are really prepared to handle to be parents until we face it ourselves. Half the time, we’re just winging the whole thing, which would explain why the world is a such a screwed up place.
I have been thinking about having a family recently. It’s an oddly comforting feeling. All my life, I wanted a family that made sense, one whose bonds aren’t just there because of blood. Seeing myself raising children could be the greatest thing I could have done, but it also could be one of the greatest resignation of my life dreams.
Like all career driven people, we define ourselves through a purpose, an ambition and a reason. More often than not, sharing our lives with another is the last thing on our minds. Sharing our lives with more than just one person is unheard off. I never expected to be attached the way I am. I never expected a future out from all this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want it, it’s just that with whatever I have faced in life so far, whatever I’ve convinced myself to effectively reach out for, the last thing I expected life to give was whatever I wanted.
But I suppose I should know better than to read into it the way I always do. The possibility of that future is there, as is the possibility that it isn’t. What is now is what I can do to secure my future. I can dream of having LAN parties every week with my kids after they have finished their homework. I can dream of showing them my love for science. I can dream of showing them the future I’ve always believed I could create. I can dream of all that, but I know there are some things that I need to do before this is over and I’m not sure I can balance those lives.
Maybe I’m just optimistic in believing that my family will be supportive of the single minded ambition I’ve driven myself into. Maybe I’m being even more optimistic that I can have the family I’ve always wanted. Either way, in knowing that it could be a part of my life, maybe it is a start of something good.
After all, everything that I am is driven to keep a promise and to create a better world and leave a legacy for that future. There is no reason why I can’t do that for the people I love and care for. No reason why I can’t give my ambitions something to live for.
Maybe the worst thing that could happen is that I could have the family I wanted but never be a good father. But I know I could try to be. I can only hope that when the time comes, that is enough to savour the better days through.