I am compelled to share this here and now because like a lot of things written on this blog, I feel that I have no one in which I can talk to about this. It isn’t surprising anyway, given the I seem to be living in a parallel world of its own making.
Most of you would know that I have a Mel in my life. A partner who stands beside me as my equal and my opposite, sharing in everything I would have to give and everything I would have to live out. What most of you do not know is at the same time, I find myself extending my proverbial hand to plenty of other women as well. I flirt and go out on dates with them as I would if I was a normal single male. The female friends in my life that know this show no pretense or empathy, asking and even demanding in so many words the first thing on their mind.
“How could you call yourself committed to someone you love when you flirt, date and otherwise try and seduce other women as well?”
The answer to which is remarkably simple and perhaps more baffling than my actions so far.
“Because Mel knows and because she lets me do so.”
To plenty of people, especially those with honourable standards, principles and a moral compass, my actions can easily be seen as an act of unfaithfulness to the relationship. Actions are by all normal definitions right on the mark of being the kind of man that a lot of women would despise. Yet there is no other way I can explain the commitment to my partner other than this.
She let’s me be exactly who I am and honest to what I can do. Mel isn’t here with me and we won’t be physically together for a long while. I flirt and otherwise go out on dates because my loneliness knows no other way to stem itself than being in a company of an interesting woman. She knows it and I know it. There are no illusions there.
To that end, it was a request from her that I keep doing it under the condition that some lines should never be crossed. I can date, hug, snuggle and even pull off the occasional kiss, but never can I sleep with them for the tender lust of it. A more than fair deal for a man whose sexual appetite is more than voracious. More so when she shares in the methods to our madness.
For this to have worked, it’s not because my partner is a saint with amazing patience and generosity. I can say with pride and affection that she is my hellcat to command and my ice queen whom I serve without question. She is cold, ruthless, practical, unyielding and most importantly secure about herself and whatever she feels. She finds nothing wrong in me indulging in matters that would ease the burdens on my shoulder a little bit. Without a hint of jealousy, she trusts that I would show all the women in my life the same respect and adoration as I’ve shown her. Never wanting more than I have been offered and always giving back more than I have taken.
There are no double standards in this relationship. As she lets me be myself, I too have always let her fly free. Her choice to remain flirtatious hermit to all but her closest friends is not an issue I would push. While I would encourage her to open up more, her reputation as a cold hearted ice queen isn’t without a reason.
Yet at the end of the day, despite whatever misadventures we may have, we still yearn for one another. Time, distance and actions hasn’t diminished our capacity to love and care for one another like any normal relationship. For us, being with others, doing what we do with close friends or other women, only strengthens the wanting we have for one another.
Maybe because for us, we know in our hearts and most of all, our heads that love and relationships will always be separate things. Love cannot earn you money. Love cannot put food on the table. Love cannot shelter you from the elements. While we can believe that love is a wondrous thing that can do that, our reality is far different and a little more practical.
For the relationship to work, it needed a reason and a purpose. As unromantic as that sounds, it has brought forth moments in the relationship that are the epitome of love. While love may fluctuate with time, so will those reasons and purpose keep bringing us and standing fast as the cement that hold us together for all time.
Maybe now you’ll understand how I can commit to the woman I love and still adore the women I’m with. Maybe you won’t at all. Maybe some things in life make a little bit more sense now. Maybe you’ll disagree with the way our world works with judgement. But what matters is, our world does work. Quite simply I can say I’m a man who has been given the opportunity to be free as who I am in a relationship and choose to stay faithfully with the one woman who allows me that freedom.
There are a lot of relationships out there that don’t give the same fairness. People ask me whether I’m a crazy bastard. I can only ask you if you’re ever truly happy with everything you have.