Could the life over the net more wholesome than the real life you walk, talk and breath in? Over the past couple of weeks, I have mentioned briefly in these couple of posts how a person like me doesn’t have much of a social life except for the fact that he’s often bound to a world you can only hit the keyboards with. At the end of it all, it’s hard for me to find much personal satisfaction in the real world much less find some measure of contentment talking to a person across the screen.
Then again…anything is possible.
It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that at through out all the relationships with people I have had online, it actually HAS become more meaningful than the life I have been living thus far. To put it nicely, with exception of some people I can actually talk to right now…the rest of my real life has been a walk through the proverbial swamp of social crap.
You’d expect real life to be something where you can make friends that you can actually tell something to and not have it thrown back in your face. You’d expect the people you call your friends to be there when you need them the most because you’re always together in a bunch having your usual bouts of fun. You’d expect your friends to appreciate the company of your presence in spite of who you are and who they are.
You’d expect all that.
I expected all that.
I didn’t expect the catastrophic disappointment that came after that.
All this while naysayers have actually told me to go out and have a life without realizing that it’s not just something I have done and returning with a level of disappointment, it’s actually something I have done REPEATEDLY and returning with even MORE disappointment.
All this while I’ve been forced to go back to the only thing I can be good at over the years which is to stay online and talk to people. All this while I didn’t realise that at the end of it…there are people who consider me a better friend than they could have in real life. More than what they can say for the life they live…more than I can say for the life I lived.
I guess I have to realise they are worth more as friends than I can ever have in real life as well.
I guess it feels almost surreal that lately, my days have been packed with phone calls from all over the place, from the houses nearby to even other countries in addition to the hours I spend online talking to them as well. It feels even more odd when you have people willing to spend money on you even though you haven’t even met them yet. It’s way more than I have ever gotten in real life save for ex. I almost feel guilty that some people would be willing to go the distance when all I can ever do is stand by them and take care of them.
Doesn’t mean I don’t want to be pampered. I’m just not used to it that’s all. I mean…I’ve always been left to work on my own devices as a kid. I’ve always seem to have the strength to keep that steady hand in the face of ridiculous crisis on not just my own part…but the parts of others…at the same time. I’ve always been the guy who just made other girls comforted enough for me to even be considered one of the them.
As silly as it sounds…it just feels weird for me to be pampered that much without me asking 101 questions on why people do it. It’s the price of being burnt too much I guess. To top it off, all this is from a guy who WANTS to be pampered by people. You don’t need Sigmund Freud to tell you I have got some serious issues with intimacy.
I know I have issues with intimacy.
But I’m working on it. Really I am. Oh…it’ll take me the rest of my life…but I guarantee you the next time people turn up at my funeral I doubt I will be asking you 101 questions why you came to see me off in the first place.
That’s a promise I know I can keep.
That’s a promise you know I can keep.
That’s worth a lot for me toward people I share my life with across the screen.
A lot indeed.