I Am More…What?

Darkness and LightSometimes I really wonder where I stand on the spiritual side of life. I mean I’ve never really had much to say for religions except for the many posts on why I don’t hold true to any of them. Yet time and time again, despite the principles of science and the logical values I hold myself to like an anchoring rock. I constantly defy all sense of them in search of something I cannot reach at face value.

Despite knowing where my limits are. Despite knowing how far I can go with just being myself. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t believe I’m going something “good” to change the “bad” and that all the sacrifices that I put myself through will have their “rewards” in the end. It’s hardly the kind of drive and perception that a person of science would use in their life.

Of course the statement that really hit my noodle regarding my own spirituality was when devout Christians make this statement to me.

You’re actually a lot more Christian than you think.

Either something is seriously wrong here or the Big Chief has created a greater system of irony in life than I previously thought of possible. Because we’re talking about me here. A person who would publically admit to being the second coming of the Anti-Christ. A person who dedicates part of his life to helping people in their crisis of faith in finding a path out of their confusions in life by not adhering to any particular religion. A person whose nickname and domain name goes after the japanese translation to “God Killer”.

Me. A person who has chosen to walk in life without the Rules of God.

More Christian than I think?

The only remotely close to anything regarding religion is one of my quirky sense of imaginations that angels exist and I’m one of them. That I am a fallen Gregori who was cast out of Heaven because I loved humanity more than I would be willing to obey God. A fallen angel who will spend the rest of his existance giving humanity the chance and opportunity to be more than what they think they were born to do.

Hmmm…come to think of it.

It’ll make a good plot for a book really.

But putting that aside, the only other thing I can say about all this is that in the search to be something to keep me from going insane, I do what every person in my position can do. Take the best things about everything and carefully put them together in the jigsaw of my own sense of self. It doesn’t matter what principles they are or what belief it belongs to. I’ll take whatever works best for the situation I am in, whatever makes me better and stronger than I can possibly be with just my own original self.

If that isn’t part of being spiritual, I don’t know what is.

All I can say is that I have the drive to keep going and it willingly defies everything life throws against me. What that drive means and where it comes from, I don’t really know except that in the end it’s something that I have to and need to do at it whether I like it or not.

Like a fallen angel standing between darkness and light.
The choice was theirs alone amidst the neverending fight.
When art Father in Heaven forsake the children of His creation.
Shall His loyal servants protect the grace from eternal damnation.


A fallen angel.


5 thoughts on “I Am More…What?

  1. Haha, that was me wasn’t it?

    Still, how can you claim to help others all the time, and also claim the mantle of a fallen angel. They’re evviiiiiilllll!!!!!

    Unless…you are too…. >.

  2. Cynical: Hahaha…I don’t think they are all bad. You heard of some falling as human beings right? As far as stories go, not all fallen angels end up in hell…but here on Earth among us.

  3. it just looks like you’re looking for God, but you don’t want to admit it because you’ve been denying it all along. philosophers think they’ve got the theory all figured out, the science figured out, but actually even they are really searching for God. every human being has an innate desire to search for something higher than ourselves, everyone has the desire to find God.

    of course you’re a spiritual person. and you’ve argued time and again that spirituality isn’t the same as religion. i agree with you on that. but i just feel that everything you’ve been doing, everything you’ve fought for, the suffering you allow yourself to go through to help others…it’s all part of your quest to find out who God really is.

  4. Jax: I never said I wasn’t finding God. Maybe I am. Even though I know that God exists though the science and the philosophy that I hold on to. Maybe you’re right that at the end of this, I’m just trying to look at the essance of God…and scold the Big Dude for short changing me when it mattered.

    In the mean time. I’ll keep doing what I’m doing,

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