Footsteps in the Mirror

When Our Parents Meet The Other Parents

Edrei — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 07:49:56 +0000

After the nail-biting event which was meeting Mel's parents for the first time or having my parents meet Mel, it dawned to me that having both our parents meet each other would be an event that would be just as critical. Fortunately for me, that realisation occurred AFTER both our parents met each other for the first time.

For that, I am glad both our parents do sort of get along. We all hear stories about in-laws from hell, especially the ones where in-laws don't get along with each other. But given the kind of parents both Mel and me have, I doubt that event is ever possible. My parents are too vocal about everything else they think about, and her parents are too quiet about everything else they listen to. In a way, it's a perfect match. It's not too unlike the relationship between Mel and me. We just happen to swap our turns for being noisy and quiet.

But I guess in every well-adjusted relationship that thrives on similar levels of dysfunction and insanity, there is a core of similarities that transcend just both people. What raised us to be the people we are can indirectly become a bond between one another that we could never see. It's always best to capitalise on that idea in the hopes that both parents don't turn on one another like rabid dogs.

It's strange. That working so hard to build a life, home and family would result in the slow but progressively growing chance of all that I wished for. It's kinda surreal to know maybe in a few years, I would have a family and a home to call my own. Makes me wish that I could slow time down a little bit, just to enjoy moments like this where things start to make sense just for a while.

But we enjoy what we should have and for now, it's the fact that our families get along just fine, and that's a lot to say for an Asian relationship. Especially one of mixed racial and cultural backgrounds.

Take my word for it. You can't get any more happier than this.

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Lost Hypocrisy

Edrei — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 09:48:10 +0000

Lost,

in the sea of cosmopolitan,

pretentiousness.

I betray my stand,

my,

principles.

To share my singular thoughts,

with only you.

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As Hell And Heaven

Edrei — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 12:53:53 +0000

Alright, as some of you know, the trip back from Australia to Malaysia wasn't the most enjoyable thing in the world. As Cléa so eloquently sums it up, "it sounds like a flight from hell!".

In between Australia's strict customs laws which caused me to lose a couple of things I brought back on Mel's behalf and the kids which decided to surround the front half of the seats around me resulting in the lack of sleep which I wanted to catch up on the plane; there was also the fact that both planes from Wagga to Sydney and from Sydney to Malaysia were delayed enough that I was starting to wonder whether I was ever going to get home.

But get home I did, from the dry cool heat of Australia's summer breeze, into the tropical humidity I'm not accustomed to anymore. It wouldn't have been so bad if I were not sick at the same time, but I'm never that lucky. I now relate Malaysia to a 24 hour sauna, except that clothing is a mandatory affair. If only I could go out in only a towel, but I know it's still a war crime for me to show any more skin than usual.

Yet, despite me complaining about all this, not all is bad. I know I'm a great deal closer to Mel than I was when I was in Australia. I know that if I want to see her, I can just up and visit her when I want to and vice versa. I know that come Christmas, all this sauna weather will have paid off as I am relaxing in my hometown which just happens to be located on an island with beaches…with Mel. I know that despite all the work and crap that I have to put up with to be here, it is going to be worth every minute of it.

I can't not have fun.

And maybe after all that I've been through for the past year, that's the best thing that could happen to a dreary pessimist like me.

3 Comments

At December 1, 2008, pelf wrote:
The humidity was also what I complained about the most upon my return from the United States, where I stayed for 4 months. I kept saying that it was very humid, until my boyfriend reminded me that I grew up with such humidity for 27 years! LOL.
At December 2, 2008, Cléa wrote:
Chill out and unwind and have a heck of wonderful time. You deserve it Kami!
At December 2, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Pelf: 4 months? Imagine after 4 years of being used to dry heat. Even if it can reach 45 degrees, it's still dry so it isn't so bad. Not even knowing I grew up in this weather can make me change the fact I'm so not used to it already.
Cléa: Not until I have my Martini or Pina Colada in hand will I officially begin my vacation. At least I am expecting that in my hand. A guy's got to have some aspirations. :)

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Malaysiana Bound

Edrei — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 12:37:43 +0000

In about 24 hours, I'll be flying back to Malaysia for a 2 month holiday. But when I say a two month holiday, I mean a two month planned excursion that severely limits my ability to apply for one of the most important things in my life and yet manage to miss all the things that I would have liked to do despite the fact I am on a well deserved vacation.

No, things aren't really off to a good start. But I can take pleasure in knowing that I am at least heading somewhere. I know what I wanted and that's enough to tell me what's standing in the way. If there is any justification to the constant bouts of problems that stand in front of me, it's in knowing that I made the choices to do what I know I want to do and I'm content with because of it. Few people can actually say that about their life, especially when they are in their mid-twenties.

So here is to 2 months of fun in between the crisis and responsibilities that I have to deal with from a distance. Let it not be said that it isn't my life and one that I do handle best if it didn't contain the many zany events that would drive a normal person to the point of clinical insanity. Just be thankful that this is my life and your entertainment and not the other way around.

That being said, I'll run along now to do some last minute checks on what I packed. The next time I write something down, I'll be doing in on the other side.

Damn. There isn't any impact in this ending either.

3 Comments

At November 28, 2008, pelf wrote:
I hope you have a safe flight home, Ed. And I hope that you'll enjoy your holidays, and I hope to be able to meet you in KL!
At November 29, 2008, Darkwolf wrote:
I wish to also see you in person, but I do not know when I can ever return to Malaysia :( I live around Petaling Jaya too.
At December 1, 2008, uncannyman wrote:
Have a safe trip dude, and yea like Pelf said, we should meet up in KL for a drink or something... let me know if you're up for it :)

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I Remember The Reasons That I Forgot

Edrei — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 13:31:12 +0000

Some days, I forget the reasons why I don't want to be around people. I forget that the world isn't always forgiving of an honest opinion. That people can't be objective without being emotionally opinionated first. That it is easier to be a hypocrite and maintain a social standing than it is to be alone and maintain a principle.

Some days I forget that there was a reason why people left me alone. I forget that we don't always speak the same language. That whatever I have to say isn't something people usually enjoy talking about. That what people usually do isn't something I can join in without wishing how did it ever come to this and how can I get out of it.

Some days I forget that there was a reason why I am me. I forget that is a part of me that wishes there could be more people that enjoy the same world I live in. That in my own perfect space, torturing stupidity would be an acceptable and legal form of entertainment. That somehow I don't have to resort to writing down so many lines in a digital world to share with someone my own thoughts and feelings which I don't do in the real world.

Some days I remember what it's like to be the me I know. I remember that I usually stop musing about it at this point because life's too short to wonder what you are and who you were supposed to be. That what matters is how happy or content we are with the person we've become or the company we choose to be with. That some things are worth sticking up to regardless of what happens.

So you remember and that's what you tell yourself.

2 Comments

At December 3, 2008, almostloved wrote:
Sometimes I hate people in general. Misanthropy or mysogyny. Whatever you call it. I don't like how they are quick to judge, eager to critic. Then I remember, maybe people hate me too, for different reasons. Fair enough.

But most of the days, people are likable and so am I. ;)
At December 3, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Almostloved: I tend to think that people become likable when they want something from you. They become your best friend in order to get you to do things for them. At least that's every human contact I have experienced in my life. Far and few in between want to be around me just because they want my company. Which is a sad thing on a whole.

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Chickybabe For That New Chapter

Edrei — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 11:16:12 +0000

Like all good stories we love to read, they start off with a problem that the main character eventually has to deal with throughout the course of the story. New chapters of my life however doesn't start off with one. In this case, I have 3.
It's becoming increasingly frustrating that I always miss all the good things which I looked forward to. It feels as though I'm truly separate from the world, operating at a different time than everyone else.
Being sick just moments before you leave for a long journey isn't the kind of last minute surprise you want. Not when you have to make a choice between braving the pain and fever to walk out and buy food and medicine or stay at home and rest without anything to eat until you're better.
Anticipating the worst that could happen has become an art form in my life. Reacting to that worst is still a work in progress. How far broken do you have to be to predict and react to all the bad things that happen in your life?
I seem to be developing a habit of cutting things really close. Whether it's because I'm forced to or some miraculous thing happens to get me out of it, either way, there is always a strange luck there that I have no control over. The universe, I cannot fight, but I sure can scream at it.

Doing a "Chickybabe" refers to doing a list of random thoughts and is named in honour of ChickyBabe who awed me with her style of writing, especially when she did her set of random thoughts which this is named after.

2 Comments

At November 27, 2008, Cléa wrote:
1. Greedy! :P
2. Make them happen, or at least try. No point being resigned.
3. That really sucks. Probably a product of all the stress you’ve been under of late.
4. You don’t. You start mending by taking a more positive outlook.
5. This sounded like a good thing, or am I misinterpreting it?
At November 27, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Cléa:
1. Well, I'm more than willing to give them away. Take them all. I insist!
2. I can't force people to change their wedding dates or housewarming to fit my schedule. Nor can I force people to change events like Wordcamp Australia so that it isn't held on the day I leave Australia. How can I not resign to it?
3. No no, the odd thing is I've been relaxed for the past 2 weeks or so. I blame freak weather and being caught in the rain, twice.
4. It's a paradox in a way. You start mending by looking forward to the worst outcomes in all events. Not really something you want to start a positive outlook on to begin with.
5. Depends on how you look at it. Good things are marred by bad luck. Bad things are solved by good luck. It happens, a lot, this strange luck of mine.

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I Shrug As Malaysia Outlaws Yoga For Muslims

Edrei — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 04:34:10 +0000

Considering it was already shown on BBC a few days ago, I suppose the whole world already knows about the fact that Malaysia has once again flexed its secular right of religion and state and declared fatwa over the practice of Yoga. This means that Yoga is now illegal for all Muslims in Malaysia.

The thing is, usually, I would be one of the first ones to be up in arms over things like this. When beliefs clash with a choice of lifestyle, I tend to get a little iffy about it. However this time, I'm not all over it, because the one thing that I am reminded about Yoga, is that it's roots aren't just a simple lifestyle choice. While the new-age yuppie culture (mostly people who have too much time on their hands) promotes Yoga as just a way to stay physically fit. People forget that Yoga is still part of a belief system. It's meant to help you achieve a state of mind that connects you with a higher plane of existence. While I have no problems with that, I can see how that interferes with other belief systems that want their own way of doing things.

However, before you think that this is just an Islam thing, I know for a fact there are a lot of Christian denominations in Malaysia itself that abhor the practice of Yoga, telling their parish not to stray from the path of God by practicing Yoga. The reasoning stands as well, in that Yoga is part of a belief system that does not agree with their own and as such isn't tolerated among the more fundamentalist of believers. I'll bet they are dancing their little joy at this decree, even if it is just for Muslims.

Personally, I have practiced Yoga before as a means of meditation that helps me focus my thoughts whenever my mind was all over the place. While I have replaced it with a method that's more in tune with my own lifestyle, I know how powerful Yoga can be, if done right, in helping a person reach a state of mind far beyond what they can do consciously. Yoga is not something that people who aren't ready can accept off the bat. Religious nutters have all the reason in the world to fear something that can open their mind to a world beyond their own.

How would you like it if the world you believe in sudden doesn't make sense anymore? I'm not saying that Yoga can do this to everyone, I'm just saying I can understand how the possibility that Yoga can do this would affect people who aren't open to it. People are trying to protect their belief and no matter how silly some of us may think it is, it's something we'd all do as well if we were in the same position.

So as much as I think it's a move of catatonic stupidity, this is however one move I have to respect in its decision and I would ask people to respect it as well. More than enough people have a valid point against it and when it comes down to belief against belief, I'd like to stay as far the hell away as possible. No, the fatwa against Yoga is the least of the problems in Malaysia.

That worries me is that they also declared fatwa against tomboys for the fear that it will turn women into lesbians. Lesbians. Really now. What do you really say to something like that? Where do you even start?

10 Comments

At November 24, 2008, Malaysia Rocks wrote:
They need to remember that a woman does not need to look or act like a guy to indulge in lesbianism. Same goes to homosexual men.
At November 24, 2008, Lays wrote:
The difference is, a Christian would not be summon to court for practicing Yoga but Muslim will be.
At November 24, 2008, Horizon wrote:
Let them do whatever they want as long as they don't forbid non muslim to practice yoga. But I heard that this might causes some Yoga centre close down because the business loss.
At November 24, 2008, Broken Shield and Sword » Blog Archive » Fatwa- Jakim clears air (supposedly) wrote:
[...] Thanks to [Educate Deviate] for the heads up. Below is a copy of the interview the NST had with the head of the Fatwa council regarding their “pengkid” or lesbian/tomboy issue. I won’t say anything against the Yoga one, because truth to be told, I’m with Edrei on this. [...]
At November 24, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Malaysia Rocks: And straight men in other countries hold hands. It's a homophobic world and we need to know that. The problem is, why specifically target women on this? Why not homosexuality in general?
Lays: That's because it's still an Islamic country. Give me a country where Church and the state are not separate and I'll bet you'll see the same thing.
Horizon: Fatwa doesn't affect non-Muslims. But the business closing is an unfortunate side effect since the majority of Malaysians are Muslims. What would really disturbing is the eventual enforcement on businesses to "curb Muslims from practicing Yoga". It would put a strain on non-Muslims who want to practice it freely. Take that as a future prediction that would come true.
At November 24, 2008, Sknownotice wrote:
Correct me if I am wrong: As far as I am concern, Malaysia is not an Islamic country. I have been informed and had learned many times that in Malaysia, Islam is the official religion* and Bahasa Malaysia is the national language. However, does this fact make Malaysia as an Islamic country, I wonder?

Unofficially Malaysia "is" an Islamic country, considering country like Saudi Arabia "see" Malaysia as an Islamic country due to the fact above*. Still, I am pretty sure that the saying that "Malaysia is an Islamic country" is just a supeficial fact.
At November 25, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Sknownotice: Maybe Islamic country is wrong a statement. Only when the laws dictated by Islam are the same laws that dictate Malaysia can you officially say that Malaysia is an Islamic country.
However, it's because there is no obvious separation between religion and state that leads me to say what I said. The question is, how would these new laws be enforced? Would they supersede current administrations? Actions tend speak far more truth than words.
At November 28, 2008, mukhzani wrote:
Yoga breeds pathetic retards who think they know way more about Islam than the muslims themselves, and who go about trying to comment on Islam.

Very soon the high birth rates of malays and the exodus of other races will make m'sia 100% an islamic nation.

I sugguest you leave my country now.
At November 28, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Mukhzani: Well, considering I am a Malay Muslim, I can't say that's not a hard decision to make. If people of your intelligence and character think they represent the best interest of the nation, then maybe it is right that Malaysia reaps the consequences in the eyes of the world for choices its own citizens make.
At November 28, 2008, Naoko wrote:
Clarification to Sknownotice: several ministers insist that Malaysia is an Islamic country, including the former Prime Minister Dr M. Most of us cannot accept that it is an Islamic country, because it was not enshrined in our constitution.

Mukzhani: Fantastic thing to say. May I have your statistics for that?

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Blog Personality Test

Edrei — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 08:02:34 +0000

I recently found this little blog personality analyser that scans your blog and puts down the personality it thinks you are based upon what you write. Apparently this is what it says about me:

ISFP - The Artists

The gentle and compassionate type. They are especially attuned their inner values and what other people need. They are not friends of many words and tend to take the worries of the world on their shoulders. They tend to follow the path of least resistance and have to look out not to be taken advantage of.

They often prefer working quietly, behind the scene as a part of a team. They tend to value their friends and family above what they do for a living.

Strangely enough, I'm not going to argue with it because that part of me is surprisingly true. However, I have taken the Myers-Briggs personality test before and what I've gotten so many times over throughout the years is the often ruthless and methodical INTJ personality which is also true about me even if it's completely opposite from what's being quoted from my blog.

It did get me thinking about what I've always said about blogging. It's always a reflection of yourself, the parts in the mirror that you don't usually show in the real world. This kind of duality is like wearing a mask, hiding our face from the real world lest it not accept us for who we are, or at the very least, being unable to deal with the world we live in by being completely who we are.

So my blog shows the part of myself which I am unable to show in real life, the kind selfless voice of empathy and reason that some of you know me by, here in the digital world. A world that is far from the practical loner that sits in the corner of the room, breaking down everything he sees into concepts and possibilities simply because he can. It's hard to believe that they can be the same person, but there are stranger things in this world than 2 halves of an incomplete whole.

If you got the time though, why don't you try both tests and see if they match. Chances are, they won't. But it would give you a good idea of the kind of person you are, and perhaps the kind of person you try so hard to be.

11 Comments

At November 22, 2008, estherchin wrote:
mine: ISTP - The Mechanics
At November 22, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Estherchin: Which? Your blog or you?
At November 23, 2008, Chris Berry wrote:
It said I am ISTJ which is pretty far from my actual INTP type.
At November 23, 2008, estherchin wrote:
ma blog.
At November 23, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Chris: Could be the duality of how you express yourself online and in real life. It's not uncommon.

Estherchin: Now what about yourself?
At November 23, 2008, Cléa wrote:
I got the same as you, though I don't agree with the description. "Not friends of many words", not me. And I fail to see how this blog personality type is labelled as an 'Artist'. Any thoughts?
At November 23, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Cléa: I wouldn't call it an Artist either. Actually a more detailed description of an ISFP personality can be found here. It's actually much better to take the Myers-Briggs profile test which I linked in my post than using a program that scans your blog to pick out phrases and keywords used by a singular profile. But it can show what kind of an outlook you're expressing yourself as on your blog, which like me is a stark opposite of what I am in real life.
At November 23, 2008, estherchin wrote:
ESTJ

You are:

* moderately expressed extravert
* moderately expressed sensing personality
* slightly expressed thinking personality
* slightly expressed judging personality
At November 23, 2008, Darkwolf wrote:
My blog, ESTP? That's weird. I've never been known to be an extrovert.

Myself: ISTP. I guess that one I agree with.
At November 24, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Darkwolf: The things we learn about ourselves in due process. It's the way you write and express yourself. It may not be the part that you show to people, but it's a part that's expressed when no one is looking.
At November 25, 2008, Darkwolf wrote:
Yeah, perhaps so. I realise that I enjoy being really "evil" in my blog, but have not known to be so in real life. I think its kinda fun too, besides having to keep writing about my problems day after day.

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Post-Thesis Blues

Edrei — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 01:29:17 +0000

I sit here, without inspiration or drive to do anything more than just make sure I'm clean and well fed. If the past few months have been a whirlwind of things to do and places to be, this calm is the opposite end of that extreme where nothing happens.

As I wander these empty moments lost and restless, it's the realisation that there is finality that puts the world into perspective. Yet despite knowing that there is a mountain of things to do, there is a part of me that refuses to acknowledge that there are things to do. I know I deserve a moment's peace, but I've gone without peace and quiet for so long, I don't know where to start.

So I keep sitting here, between spending time with people that will soon leave this country town. I sit here waiting for the next chapter crisis to rear its head. I sit here waiting for someone kind enough to return my conversation or some inspiration to hit me on the unfinished projects that were always driven by my own desire to escape a personal darkness. I sit here, drifting in the limbo of reality.

Unknown.

Invisible.

And ever so tired.

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Homeward Bound

Edrei — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 04:49:48 +0000

In less than 2 weeks, I'll be on my merry way back to Malaysia for Christmas and New Years. In a way, this had to be done, not because there is a particular someone back home whom I've had a long distance relationship with for the past 8 months, but because for future we're working hard for, there are some loose ends I need to tie up at the same time.

Come to think of it, despite being in Australia for the past 5 years, it's been about 3 years since I've last step foot in my home country. In way I both dread it and welcome it at the same time. I dread the limitations and rules I have to abide to after being so used to the freedom I've had as a guest in Australia. Yet I welcome the familiar rock which I grew up in, the world that helped shaped who I am, not to mention generously greeting (and shoveling) the food which I've missed since leaving.

It's not to say as well, that I've become an alien to where I grew up. You can't become something you already were to begin with. The Malaysian culture has far been one I've never been used to. Despite being raised by it, I've always found it unwelcoming and difficult. Which is why I am the child without a cultural heritage. I'm as alien to the people of my own country and they are to me. While I can blend in for the sake of appearance. There is so much I can pretend to be without completely botching it up and looking like a complete tool. I know it. People know it.

But I am going back nevertheless. Love it or hate it, it's a world I cannot deny. After all, while some of us may be born or raised in the wrong country, it doesn't make it any less real. We all have to return from whence we came from, if only to start saying goodbye to it and building something else, somewhere else, that you can finally call home.

5 Comments

At November 18, 2008, Darkwolf wrote:
I think I feel the same way too. After being away from Malaysia for so long, almost 5 years, I feel like I don't belong there anymore. That's why I plan to get an Australian PR as soon as possible.
At November 18, 2008, Cléa wrote:
Wow... already? Time has flown by! I think it will be a challenge trying to fit back in but you seem like an adaptable person. It's exciting that a new start is ahead of you.
At November 18, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Darkwolf: I've never felt like I belonged in Malaysia, that's the thing. At the end of the day, it didn't matter where I was, as long as I started to find myself a home. Can't really call Australia home as well, not until I'm actually a citizen, which I won't be. Maybe I'll never find a home, but I can certainly try and build one for myself.
Cléa: Actually, I'm coming back. I'm also going back to wrap things up. Passports, paperwork among other things. Even if Mel wasn't back home, I'd still go back and do those things. Can't start the new chapter without a proper prelude after all.
At November 19, 2008, Darkwolf wrote:
So what are you going to do after this? Are you planning to apply for an Australian PR? Or are you working in Malaysia?
At November 19, 2008, Edrei wrote:
Darkwolf: Stay in Australia. I've built a life here already which is more than I can say for a life back home. I'm more at home here as well. It only makes sense to continue that feeling.

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