Despite all the trials and hardships I have to go through to finish what I started in my course. There is a certain sense of satisfaction calm whenever I put on my lab coat and gloves and head on it either isolate possibly dangerous bacteria or clone genes we want.
Somehow there is that sense of…purpose that gives my life meaning.
I mean throughout my life there can be all sort of hell on earth that can rain down on me. But in the lab…that’s where I feel that I am in control. It doesn’t matter if I’m following instructions from a book or like what I’m doing now, be in charge of my own experiments from designing the experiments to preparation of every equipment I need to the finalisation of the project itself. When I think about it, how everything goes in the lab. I realise one more thing in life.
This is what I wanted to do.
I don’t know whether its the thrill of putting on a fresh white lab coat or sitting there running scenarios through my head about possible results and backup plans if anything goes wrong or just finding the results in your experiment even if it isn’t the ones you’re looking for.
In any case…this is the only place in the world…in my life that I don’t feel like a failure. Where all the successes that I have done so far actually matter enough to prove I am as smart enough and as good enough as I say I am. Where I know no one can question my own devilish creativity or eccentric ingenuity.
Where I can be the part of me that doesn’t need people and not be sad.
It may have been building imaginary worlds out of lego parts when I was a kid, but now…I’m building universes out of cells and genetic makeups. I. Me. I’m doing it and if everything works out right, I will be doing it for the rest of my life for my own terms.
My lab, my research, my life.
I play God and there is no one that can stop me.
Is this how the rest of you people who are already working feel like in life? I mean, did you have that sense realisation that you’re going to love your job right before you graduated? That no matter the stress or hell that you have to go through, you don’t mind it because you love what you do and you don’t see another reason to stop loving it. In fact…now that you’re working.
Do you still love it?
I know I do with mine.
And I don’t think I will ever stop.